Sometimes I Hate It
by amayaXakeru
Summary: The lives we know could end at any minute, all it takes is one bad move, maybe not even made by you. John ends up in the hospital and fate has paired him with an interesting roommate, but maybe fate isn't as funny as he thinks. JohnxKarkat. M for some slight gore and violence. Some adult situations and the like. Will update fairly often.
1. Chapter 1

**Hey there, this is my first Homestuck fanfiction, but I have the whole story mapped out so you can feel safe about me keeping up with it. I do go to school, but I think I'll update often. If you like you can review, I take criticism well as long as it's not baseless bashing. So Please read and relax. **

Sometimes I Hate It

Glass shattered across the pavement was the first thing he saw when his eyes opened again. The clear, green crystals glittering harshly against his far-away eyes; pushing against the darkness he felt all around him. His head turned involuntarily upward but then fell the short few centimeters it had risen, as an intense pain shot down his neck down paralyzing him. All at once awareness possessed him violently, the muffled drone of sirens and crushing metals made his already shaking perception spin. He felt his flesh raw against the pavement and his leg was a raging forest fire, his heart started to beat faster but his mind was too disoriented to let him fully hyperventilate; which he may or may not been thankful for, he couldn't form thoughts or feelings cohesively enough to know. He tried to connect things, little things, like the ambience around him or that he was on a road; the facts made it easier to think straight. He had been in the car. His body soaring, he remembers seeing the sky and then the black river he fell into, his breathing picked up again. He felt something warm press against his face with ooze that felt like a sheet of fabric being slowly pulled from under him, he didn't understand the sensation until he saw it. Red leaked into his field of vision, sticking to his arm that he now saw had been laying outward as he was on his side, a small portion flooding the bottom of his glasses. 'Am I going to die?' thought the boy, he was able to form that thought more clearly than any other he'd had before.

Suddenly his eyes picked up movement, again involuntarily, just a few feet from him he recognized a person. Another person, lying on their back facing him, the glaze in his eyes seemed to fall away just as the other boy became cognizable to him as well. He saw a grotesque amount of blood covering this boy's face, matting his black, messy hair in a way that looked too dramatic, it reminded him of an action movie; adding to the surreal feel. The panic on the blood-splattered face infected the boy across from him, realizing he might look even worse than the male dominating his vision. Fear returning, a small guttural noise chocked the boy and he vaguely tasted metal. Without much reasoning other than pure instinctual need and craving the boy stretch his staining arm toward the matted-hair boy, long white fingers strained outward. In a moment of mutual human understanding those long white fingers where grasped weakly by an upturned palm wrapping around them. Through his cracked glasses he saw the look of fear and mortality that he was sure he must mirroring. A sense of finality flooded through him, with a sort of calm underwhelming his previous psyche's concern. The brown eyes of the stranger helped him feel a focused detachment from the sense of the impending looming over him. Abruptly the brown eyed boy's broke away to something above him. Before he could mourn the lost connection he saw the sky falling onto him again, he felt himself lift off. Tunnel vision sought its' vengeance and all the droning noises fell away to the ground he had left behind. He saw doors open and wished he could scream as he was slid into the darkness.

"How are you feeling?" a female voice cooed. Somehow John knew it wasn't for him but he moaned to sound. Willing his eye to the front his face feeling like they were buried deep behind his brain, he pushed groaning again. "Oh you're up. I'll be right back, I'm going to get the doctor," She said slowly but walked briskly out the room as John's eyes finally focused as she closed the door behind her. His eyes moved slowly and he came to the realization of being in a hospital room. He was alive.

Just as clarity was reaching and his mind started singing things rapidly at his senses, a voice sounded at his left side. "I said Hey asshole!" A disgruntled face spat weakly. John realized it had been the blood caked boy from before, but now his light brown skin was clean except for a white bandage resting over his eyebrow and cheek. "You alright, your brain function?" He asked quickly, "You're not going to veg out on me again right?" John, not knowing what to say, blinked and wheezed harshly as he tried to turn on his side to face the other. He laid back hissing at the pain in his torso, and the tug at the IV in his arm, as well as the tube in his nose.

"Where," He started even though he knew it was a hospital. "How long was I out?" The other huffed and John turned his face back to him, musing how dry his throat was.

"Two days. I think, I just stopped passing out for the best of this morning," He sounded, impatient and irritated. "If you are gonna get yourself thrown into a room with a guy, the least you could do is wake up and keep him occupied from that goddamn incessant beeping and the huffing chortle you probably think is snoring!" John laughed at the stranger's ridiculous sense of entitlement versus physical capability. "Don't you dare laugh, with your hand-holding fuck factory they thought we were best-fucking-frolic-through-a-field-of-happy-bullshit-ass-flowers-friends and shoved me into this room with your windy ass, instead of giving me my own room!" The brown-eyed boy finished somehow even gruffer than before.

"Wow, sorry. You're pretty funny" John laughed again but it hurt somewhat so he relaxed into a goofy smile, his slight overbite resting on his lip. "What's your name?" Preemptively avoiding the clear reluctance of the other as he opened his mouth to retort, he continued "If you tell me, I'll try not to breathe so loud and stay awake."

"Karkat Vantas," He said as his lips pursed as he fidgeted, and John wondered if it was from not getting to huff and puff at him a bit more. A few seconds later and a woman walked in, sporting a doctor's typical garb.

"Hi John, I'm Doctor Elise and I'm going to be helping you recover okay?" John smiled and nodded at the red-headed woman, he felt apprehensive to what he might hear. She carefully began inspecting him, closing the curtain when she lifted his robe. John blushed but then frowned when he saw tight pulling sutures up his torso, from pectoral to hip, skewing the side of his belly button."Now you were in an accident Monday, and you got pretty dinged up. You have some injuries to the skin on your left side but they're just some cuts and bruising, what we were concerned about is the trauma to your abdomen and chest, there was a bit of tearing. You were cut pretty deep with glass and your stomach lining tore on the way over. We had to give you a lot stitches. You have about fifty-six in all, but most of them are inside to hold your muscle together; so it's going to be very important that you rest and try not to move around okay. We are going to keep a close eye on you and make sure that your insides heal right and weren't damaged too much. So if you start feeling a lot of pain, start vomiting, feel dizzy, or faint let the staff know so we can make sure your body stays stable. Even if it's something small, if you feel concerned let us know. We had to give you a slight skin graft to your right leg, but it's going to look a little different so don't be scared. Honestly you were very lucky, if the accident had happened farther away or if you had fallen just a bit differently you might not have made it." She had sat next to John, looking him in the eye and speaking slow, but softly. "We have you on a feeding tube right now and in a few days if it looks like you're doing better we'll put you on liquids. You're going to be here a while but if you need anything or have any questions, my staff and I will be a button away. Do you understand that John?" He nodded looking down, absorbing the sobering facts. Karkat had been looking intently until the curtain was pulled, and when she had finished, sure enough he was staring with a scowl on his face. Then a thought hit him.

"Where is my dad?" John felt a chill, remembering who had been driving and held his breath, realizing he wasn't presently in the room. The woman put her hand on his and leaned in a bit with a careful smile making John almost flinch at her touch.

"He's okay John, he's in the next room over resting. He's with your step-mother. She's okay too. Your sister went out to grab some clothes and things for you all. Now all you need to focus on is getting better, you got the worst of it," John exhaled and his chest burned as it flattened, still relief washed over him and he found his head in his pillow, blue eyes closed. "I think you're going to be just fine, John and hey at least you still have someone you know to keep you company, the accident you were in was a large pile up, so we are kind of backed up," She smiled again. John frowned but then smiled.

"Yeah we are best friends; in fact we're practically family!" John said enthusiastically, turning toward the mix of shock and anger that was on Karkat's gapping face. Yet another successful prank by John Egbert.

"Well, that's good to hear. I have to go for now John, but I'll be back soon to check on you more thoroughly. If you need anything at all buzz." The woman stood and left the room, Karkat glowered with rage.

"You fuck," He said but John just laughed again, as a cart was wheeled in with water for John and food for Karkat.

"What's a matter best friend?" John said has the nurse help him sit up to drink, he lost his ever evasive smile as the tight pains seethed worse than his roommate. He sputtered a bit feeling pathetic as the nurse rubbed his back. The smell of Karkat's food wafted his nose, but he wasn't hungry with the heaviness that lay over him. He soon laid back and began to crave the soothing of sleep.

"It wouldn't be wise to piss off your roommate idiot, especially since I'll recover faster than you," Karkat said threateningly, pulling John from the lulls he felt around him.

"Don't worry Karkat, I'm a great friend you'll see," John said shutting his eyes.

"You say as you fucking fall asleep again!" Karkat grunted in a whisper, staring at the ceiling.


	2. Sometimes I Worry

**Hello, here's the 2****nd**** chapter. I know it's not at a much faster pace than the last but it should pick up shortly. And at least there is a good portion of character dialogue. ;) Any questions or concerns ask me! Reviews of any kind are welcome, other than flames. If there are any errors you can feel free to let me know. Insert Disclaimer.**

Sometimes I Hate It Chapter 2:

Sometimes I Worry

The next time John stirred he awoke to a familiar scene from a very foreign perspective, being played over on a small television mounted a sunrise pink wall. It was the accident he'd been in. A helicopter flew over the long stretch of highway where cars were still being scrapped off the road, and the surrounding trees were being extinguished. A grave voice commented on how tragic it was that the accident had occurred when many had been on their way to school; as it was the first day of the new school year. The screen panned to the side of the road next to burning pile of car, and the man's voice continued relating vague estimates on the number of injured and those who hadn't made it when ambulances and the rescues team couldn't get through. Some people were still turning up in the woods beside the highway.

The same sloshing, grim feeling coated John's insides; he felt sick. They'd crashed getting onto the highway, so they'd been the first to receive attention. If they hadn't, what would have happened? Did they prevent other people from getting help? He hadn't noticed he was wheezing, until he was assaulted with a pillow to his head.

"Hey chill the fuck out," the tan-skinned boy growled. John turned his head tears streaming down his red face. "Jesus Fucking Christ, you really are a wind-bag aren't you! Do realize how hard it is to sleep with your pansy-assed version of the big bad asthmatic wolf?! Even your sister was preferable to your Darth-Vader-trapped in a tornado routine, and believe me she had plenty to say," Karkat rolled his eyes at the memory, then continued glowering. John exhaled delicately and then smiled.

"Rose was here?" John noticed a bag sitting on the side table. His phone was peeking out from under a jacket sleeve sitting; just within reaching distance. "She must be in school now," He said noticing the time being around noon he thought through his blurred eyesight.

"Yeah, you know for a step-sister she sure felt privy to a whole fuck worth's of inter-personal relationships, please tell her to mind her goddamned business and leave bed-ridden strangers the fuck alone," Karkat shifted uncomfortable in his bed. John tilted his head, chuckling.

"What do you mean?"

"She thought we were dating or something, she sure didn't hesitate to get to the point, the point being your ass I was supposedly fucking ten minutes into our car-apocalyptic meeting," Karkat blushed furrowing his brow, while closing his eyes. "I a mean for fucks sake have some shame or gods forbid tact, jeez that's one creepy sister. Who the fuck even asks things like that? Who the fuck gave her permission to be a snooty busybody, that had the gall to try to psychoanalyze my supposed 'intimacy issues,' I swear she was getting off on the idea and before you say anything remember **_she _**was assaulting **_me _**with all the fucks I didn't give that she somehow took as an invitation; handwritten and embossed with the seal of the Mars Emperor of Suffering, filled with the express written consent to rape my hear holes with a copious stream of completely unsolicited bullshit," Karkat's mouth seemed to have a hard time keeping up with him becoming a blur. John was fascinated by how many syllables he could force out at such volume but was still somehow coherent, well audible at least, Karkat seem to have penchant for exaggerated rants that made progressively less sense.

"Aw what! Man Rose sure can be embarrassing! But yeah we were friends a long time before her mom married my dad so we're pretty close. In fact her cousin is my best bro! His name is Dave and he debates with Rose all the time about some 'fraud guy' and latent homo or incest dreams but I think she's mostly joking with all her psychobabble stuff. He lives in another state though. Actually he lives near my biological sister, Jade; she takes care of our grandparents. I worry about her a lot though; she's a narcoleptic so I worry about her getting around when she goes anywhere alone. Although she doesn't seem as affected as she use to be when we were kids, I can't remember the last time we lost her suddenly so that must be a good thing. She's really nice and super smart, like Rose, well in a different way I guess. Jade's better at science and horticulture stuff and Rose is kind of like a know it all; but in a good way. Well usually in a good way sometimes she says weird things, like now I guess," John bemused happily. Karkat stared dumbfound and then recovered.

"Holy shit, when did I ever say I gave two fucking procreating fucks? I do not need your entire family tree presented on a poster board buried under your fucking rainbow of homo-glitter and macaroni flowers," Karkat hissed.

"Ha-ha, I'm not a homosexual," John smiled thinking about how much Karkat liked to talk, err, and yell.

"Well, your gothy sister sure seemed to think otherwise." Karkat snorted rolling his eyes.

"Rose always says stuff like that, so where is your family?" John asked and then felt the hesitation hit him too late. Karkat stiffened and hissed.

"Mind your fucking own business!" Seething caustically he snarled and yanked the curtain around to where only his knees downward were visible. John flinched, he instantly felt guilty. He whispered an apology across the desert of silence that filled the room. John felt horrible and wished Rose had been here to relieve the awkwardness. After a few minutes of pointless moping he glanced to his sitting phone, and carefully shifted his weight to the right side of his pillow stretching his hand while unsuccessfully avoiding the stinging pain.

He scrolled through the missed calls and texts from Dave and Jade. He sighed, wondering how much school he'd missed and if it'd affect him graduating this year. He'd call Jade later; he wasn't ready to assuage her overly-active worry gland. He clicked reply to one of Dave's messages.

(RE:)TO: DAVE

lol hey, i'm okay and rose snuck my phone in for me.

SEND.

**(RE:) FROM: DAVE**

** yo, heard you were stitched up like one of rose's squid-thulu dolls**

** you sure you're okay? jade's planning to come down there and i was gonna catch a ride with her.**

(RE:) TO: DAVE

aw you guys don't have to do that. i'd feel bad if you guys missed school for me.

SEND.

**(RE:) FROM: DAVE**

**not even a thing bro, in fact its so little of a thing scientist have gathered in a super science nerd committee to declare it the smallest unit of matter**

**personally kicking the atom out of the equation as its too big a deal now **

**sides we haven't seen each other in each other in a fuckin ice-age of nothing but virtual breeze-shootin **

(RE:) TO: DAVE

you guys are awesome! but I'm probably not much fun right now. i can only lay here its really lame

SEND.

(RE:) TO: DAVE

Oh! i did make a friend, err well i think i might have upset him tho :(

SEND.

**(RE:) FROM: DAVE**

**Yeah rose mentioned that…seems like douche**

**whats up with that anyway you hittin for the other much more stylish team now?**

(RE:) TO: DAVE

NO! jeez i just met him and i'm not gay!

SEND.

(RE:) FROM: DAVE

**not what rose said, said there was some mad hand-macking going on**

**some sickly inappropriate digital intercourse**

**mothers hid their children and old prudes got the pitchforks to drive out the obscenely modernized display of finger friendly shenanigans**

**president came down from the big D.C to personally sanctioned off the desecrated area as foreign soil setting up a border -**

John stopped reading the insanely long and ridiculous compilation of the over-dramatized event that kept seeming to crop up, and responded.

TO: DAVE

it wasn't like that! we were in the same accident…i..i thought I was going to die, Dave. And he was there and there was so much blood..it was awful, way worse than in the movies…

SEND.

**(RE:) FROM: DAVE**

**that sounds horrible man im sorry**

**you gonna be okay not gonna freak out and go PTSS on me right? don't go postal man the mail is too outdated to be cool **

**the postal service is todays titanic, avoid that ship and its cocky ass-snoot investors**

(RE:) TO: DAVE

hahha i think i'm okay…just a little shaken up..

SEN- John hesitated.

i'm okay, and when you come down we'll definitely have an anti-mail party lol federally funded!

SEND.

John sighed and stared at the wall entering a daze. He shivered, rubbing the nervous eruptions on his arms gently. He glanced at the clock, restless. He squinted, not wanting to put on his glasses he gave up and slumped back. He cautiously turned his head to Karkat's closed curtain, his silhouette still.

"Hey, Karkat?" John asked, hoping.

"What, now?" Karkat groaned. John nibbled his lip.

"I'm sorry I upset you, I won't be so insensitive," John said wondering if it was even the right thing to say.

"Just shut up, idiot," Karkat sighed and pulled back the curtain to its open position harshly, grunting once more with the strain. John watched as Karkat grabbed his side.

"So how bad off are you?" John asked concerned as Karkat flopped back down. His brown eyes slid to the corners to look at John without turning his face.

"Not as fucked as you were, obliviously. I got broken ribs, a fucked face, a concussion, and a fractured leg," Karkat looked at the TV displaying a commercial. John's eyes rolled down the body in view noticing the slightly lumpier leg under the sheets.

"It looked a lot worse before, your whole face looked mangled, but you look pretty good I bet it won't even look bad. It'll be one of those cool wounds Nic Cage would have!" John said excitedly.

"Tch. Yeah no shit, it looked bad to you; you didn't have to see _your_ ass stuck with glass in your fucking torso. You looked like you'd been gutted and you probably weren't far off from it," Karkat said slowly trailing off, eyes trained on the TV. John swallowed; a flash of Karkat's panicked face violated his calm.

"Oh." Karkat's eyes moved toward the pathetic sound, seeing the blue eyes shaking.

"I mean it looked worse than it was, just like it was for me. You're fine obviously," Karkat amended.

"Yeah, you're right. I hope my dad and mom are okay, I'm glad Rose is still able to go to school too," John let out a breathy chuckle, his eyes turned to the wall, unable to penetrate through it.

"The doctor said they'd be released soon, they really weren't as bad as you," Karkat paused and then added hastily, "AND DON'T THINK OF PULLING YOUR UNWANTED PSEODOU HOMO-FRIEND SHIT AGAIN, WHEN THEY'RE IN HERE LATER!"

"Haha, oh come on it's pretty funny!" John smiled, "Besides we're going to be stuck here for a while, we might as well keep each other entertained. Isn't that what you wanted?" Karkat's lip sagged to the right in an exasperated defeat. He looked so funny John giggled again, "I bet you ten bucks by the time you check out we'll be the best of friends."

"Ha, fine I'll take that bet," Brown eyes rolled heavily. "Why would I ever talk to you outside this place? So far the only thing you've done is give me insomnia and left me alone with your crazy-ass sister! Not to mention the looks all the nurses keep giving me!"

"Well there's one reason! I'm a pretty good prankster! I also like action movies, ones like Con Air, that's my favorite. What kind of movies do you like to watch Karkat?" John's enthusiasm gave him an airy voice that sounded highly animated for someone lying so still. Karkat's visible disgusted snarl pulled his lip over his teeth, irritated by the overly happy boy.

"Why should I tell you?" John thought about this.

"Because we here now, and it wouldn't be wise to piss off your roommate you're going to be stuck with and can make you miserable idiot." John said reiterating the gruff boy's previous threat back at him. "Besides we already faced death together and I'd rather not remember you like that," he said still smiling.

"Oh my god, fine, whatever! I like romance movies okay! And shut up because their obviously ten times more superior to anything you could possible like!" Karkat frowned, crossing his arms.

"Haha, no way! Romance huh? I wouldn't have guessed that for you," John smirked a bit. "What about games do you play any games?"

"Grr, I play an mmorpg with my friends and fighting games." Karkat relented.

"Oh cool, I like adventure games what mmo? I play a few online with my friends, I used to play this awesome Ghost Busters one but no one would play it with me. That and my computer had a hard time running it which sucks because I got it for a great price!"

"That sounds stupid. I play Sbrub, and lead a pathetic team of 12 in a lame fruity guild that never wanted to be in the first place. You know what scratch that, it's an awesome team now, because of my perilously leadership and we finally placed on the boards," John gasped and then coughed. He spoke though the coughs trying to ease the irritation his inhale had caused his diaphragm.

"I play Sbrub too! I'm the leader I guess, but I think that's just a title. I'm more of a friend-leader. My guild is 413-Earth, human race. I'm an Heir of Breath, it's weird how the game doesn't let you pick a lot of things for your character like other games. It's also kind of the reason it's so cool. Like destiny or something. I was so excited when I got to God Tier and saw my cool outfit!"

"How the fuck did your pansy ass manage that?! My gods an Heir of Breath, it all makes sense now," Karkat groaned but seemed to pull his lip under his teeth trying not to laugh in the same way John saw Dave do occasionally.

"Because I'm awesome, that's how! Heh maybe if you're nice I'll give you pointers, and my role is cool! What role are you then?"

"Yeah right, your faggotty winds can just keep doing what they're best at and that's blowing. I'm a Knight of Blood, which again proves my superior abilities," John rolled his eyes.

"What's your screen name maybe I've seen you? What server do you play on?" John asked excited.

"Doubt it, I play on A2. You said you were humans right? That means you're on the B-servers and _oh no_ I'm not giving you a chance to stalk me digitally too. "

"Oh come one we can still play in the medium and in the dream quests too! Mine is ectoBiologist. So wait you're a troll kind? That's pretty cool, I heard a lot crazy stuff from Alternian sessions. It's pretty different from the Earth sessions huh?"

"If by different you mean better and more challenging then yes. It so different that we might as well be playing different games, I'm playing Sbrub and you're playing flower picking for derpy, windy assholes," Before Karkat could continue a nurse came in a meal for Karkat and the dreaded nutritional supplement that was going to run down the tube in John's nose to his stomach. He looked in envy as Karkat picked at his meal frivolously, obviously a picky eater. The doctor then came in and looked at both boys individually. Throughout the process the two remained virtually silent listening past the curtain but could never quite make out the conversation the other was having completely. John continued to ask Karkat questions, getting grunts and one word answers as he pushed his food around. John eventually felt the need to rest again, even though he didn't wish to mentally. He woke up as Rose commented something to Karkat in a hushed tone.

"Hi, Rose" John said opening his eyes still groggy and feeling achy.

"John, how are you feeling? I brought you some reading material; I apologize for not being here more. Our father wouldn't let me miss school, I'm also preparing the house for Jade and Dave's arrival," John looked over Rose relieved to see only the bandage on her arm.

"Rose you're so awesome taking care of everything like this, I'm so glad you're okay," Rose smiled pulling a chair to the bedside. "How are mom and dad?"

"They are fine; in fact you'll probably see them this evening when they've been released. The process has been a bit slow going with the hospital under duress by the accident. Now you didn't answer my question John, how are you?" She looked at him with a passive face but John frowned hearing the usual intrigue under her flat tone.

"I'm alright," John said looking away. She didn't press him, but he knew she'd noticed. "When do you think Jade and Dave will get here?"

"I believe they will arrive sometime this Friday," She took out her knitting needles and asked if John needed anything. He told her no and watched her coax the blue strands into a river, she was making him something. "Would you like me to try to bring you your school work? Father said he would be talking with the school soon, I'm sure they'll be understanding due to the circumstance,"

"Nghh, not really, I guess I should do it anyway," John groaned really not feeling academic in his best of moods. Rose nodded.

"Yes, I figured as much, how did you sleep?" She looked up from her hands casually.

"As loud as fuck," Karkat shouted, John giggled.

"I guess alright, I just feel so tired. I don't think I even dreamed," Rose agreed, his body was probably exhausted. Soon his father wandered into the room and began examining and fussing over John, while Rose went to sit with her mother. He kept saying how proud he was of John for being such a man about the situation and John rolled his eyes and laughed. The whole time the tiny television quietly buzzed with activity and the other occupant remained silent. They talked for a while until Rose said she had to leave as visitor hours were over, but before she left John motioned her down for him to whisper into her ear. Karkat looked over, his interest piqued.

"I'll see what I can do, please call if you need me, I'll have my phone on hand," She said leaning down to hug John as best she could. She went to their parent's room, to assist her mother into her car Rose had driven over. John's father had explained how he wanted to keep an eye on his mom because she still was feeling a bit sick; however he'd be back tomorrow after work. Giving John a long kiss on the head he left for the night. John sighed, tired from all the fussing but so relieved at seeing his father's face in person. John looked over to see Karkat presumably asleep and found himself facing the irritating fact that he was also tired, AGAIN. He closed his eyes a let his body do what came natural, expecting another night of darkness. However, he wasn't so fortunate.


	3. Sometimes I Freak Out

**Hello, here is chapter 3! If you haven't noticed I'm pretty fast updater, but I do have school things to attend to so that comes first so if I don't update it's because I have important things going on. Just as a heads up. Disclaimer, disclaimed.**

Sometimes I Hate It Chapter 3: Sometimes I Freak Out

Karkat grumbled yet again awoken by the devastatingly irritating wheezing. He swore as soon as he could stand he'd put the damn derp out of his misery, and then he noticed something different. John was wailing and breathing harder than he should have been, coughing and convulsing at the strain. Murmurs slowly losing their subtly as his mind was summoning far harsher cries. He was obviously having a nightmare, something Karkat was no stranger to. Still, if the kid couldn't even handle laughing too hard what was this doing to him? What should he do? Karkat found himself lost panicking somewhat; he couldn't think he knew he should wake the boy up at the least but it took some times to find his tongue.

"H-hey, dumbass wake up," Karkat said at far too low a decibel to be heard above the pitiful howls. "John," he called softly somewhat flustered at resorting to the other's name so quickly, a silly intimacy to be embarrassed over he decided, he'd call the jerk's name all goddamn day if he wanted. "John, shut up and wake up already," he said loudly. The other continued unaffected.

"No," John whimpered. This pissed Karkat off even though he knew it wasn't directed at him or his commands.

"JOHN, WAKE YOUR FAGGOTY ASS RIGHT THE FUCK UP! I SWEAR I WILL TEAR INTO YOU SO HARD IN THE MORNING IF YOU DON'T WAKE UP, THAT EVEN STITCHES WON'T HELP YOU!" John stirred, Karkat smirked. Now they were getting somewhere. "THAT'S IT DICK HEAD, TRY AS YOU MAY TO ESCAPE ME I AM RIGHT HERE AND I WILL FUCK YOUR SHIT UP. SO HELP ME GOD IF I'M NOT IN PRISON TOMORROW AFTER I FONDLE YOUR PUNY ESPHOGAS WITH A ROCK THE SIZE OF FLORIDA," That out to do it.

"Hah," John wheezed out eyes bursting open as he shivered into the surrounding darkness. He panicked and cried out, "NO, I DON'T WANT TO DIE!" His voice cracked hoarsely resembling the way loud static interference affected a peaceful melody. He covered his face with his hands, clawing for the life that had disappeared in the blackness. Karkat was taken aback, completely unhinged at a display he couldn't even see and somehow that made it worse. Heart racing, and the terror infectious, Karkat called out to John again almost pleading.

"YOU'RE OKAY! YOU'RE RIGHT HERE, IN THIS ROOM!" John paused. Karkat? The hospital. That's where he was, he remembered. He slowly let his hands fall to his side, breathing restlessly. His body was wet and burning, he felt choked like his whole chest was being crushed and torn all at once.

"Karkat? Karkat!" He rasped, horror receding and returning as waves.

"Yes idiot, be quiet now," Karkat whispered, a bit awestruck.

"The black, the black!" John whimpered, Karkat felt embarrassed to witness such a raw display of pure fear. It felt like something he shouldn't be privy to and something entirely human that he wondered if the insanity was so easy catch. He stopped thinking, unease filling him at the idea that the human conscience could be easily pushed. He reached for mutual light mounted on the wall between them flicking it on, suddenly uncomfortable in the shadows. John's wide-eyed and blood-colored face frightened the messy haired boy more than he like to admit, he couldn't tear his eyes away either; control slowly slipping away.

"You are fine." Karkat said slowly to the air. John looked at him in the dim light, once again shoving his hand into the space between them. Karkat, once again squeezed the hand this time looking away as embarrassment took over as the chief emotion, which he was at the moment okay with. "It's okay. Dork," Karkat added and John seemed to respond to him the shaking waning. Fifteen minutes flowed and John began to feel ashamed and childish.

"I'm sorry," he whispered and slipped his hand back, cradling it.

"I don't mind, just don't freak out. You are right here, even though I shouldn't even have to say it," Karkat stared at John, feeling hesitation in the idea that he wasn't going to start writhing in his personal oblivion again. He was having a hard time conversing his typical way and he felt his skin crawl with his stuttering. He wanted to spit and hiss, but the tension had forced his hand; he couldn't find the voice. "You should tell the doctor," Karkat said feeling around for his buzzer.

"No!" John frowned heavily "I don't want them to know, they'll tell my dad and then I might be here longer and he'll worry. He'll try to miss work and we can't afford that!"

"You could have seriously fucked up your insides with all that shit, you need tell them or you will be here longer. Besides you probably need, like mental counseling or some shit," Karkat said with a furrowed brow.

"No! NO! I'm fine, I just had a nightmare. Please, don't say anything!" John begged forcing his voice to stop sounding rough, while trying to control his breathing made him feel light-headed.

"Don't be a jack-ass, just let them take a look at you," Karkat said but wavered hitting the button.

"Please Karkat, I'm okay. I promise, just don't," John's eyes shook.

"grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrra GHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! FINE!" Karkat threw the buzzer down against his better judgment. "ONE FUCKING CHIRPY ASS PEEP FROM YOU AND I'M CALLING THEM!" Karkat pointed a finger at the nodding boy.

"Thanks Karkat, I'll be quiet," John said smiling, adjusting the sheets. Of course that'd be because he wasn't going to go sleep.

"I mean it Egbert," Karkat felt suspicious but laid down and closed his eyes, he probably wouldn't go to sleep just yet to be safe.

"Goodnight," John said grinning. Neither turned off the light between them.

Karkat hissed at the bright light coming through the window, he hadn't slept well. Again. He looked over at his roommate and noticed his eyes drooping as well. He adorned his typical scowl ready to face the fucking day.

"Hey fuck face, you didn't sleep did you?" Karkat hadn't heard one single wheeze the whole night, something was up.

"Yes I did sleep," John said rolling his eyes, trying to be convincing. He almost bit his lip but he knew that was his biggest tell from experience so he was able to stop himself.

"Bullshit, you're breezy ass is busted there is no way I slept that long and didn't hear you," The darker –skinned boy narrowed his eyes, noticing John lick his lip. He fucking knew it. "Give me one good reason I shouldn't rat you out?"

"Because, please?" Karkat stared incredulously. "Because uh- oh look a distraction," John said flinging his phone while Karkat actually looked the way he had pointed at the wall. Idiot.

"WHAT THE FUCK!"

"You can use my phone anytime you want if you don't tell, I noticed you didn't have one and you must want to tell someone you're okay," John stared as he watched Karkat pause mid-rant. He raised one side of his lip, looking at the phone considering. He had been dying for one, for days.

"FINE." He huffed and logged onto his guild's chat almost immediately. Egbert had him cornered. He pretended he didn't see that smirk.

carcinoGeneticist opened a guild memo- 612 Alternia-:

CG: HEY FUCK HEADS DON'T THINK BECAUSE I WASN'T ONLINE, YOU'RE FREE TO DO WHATEVER YOU WANT! I AM IN THE HOSPITAL, BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN I'M SLACKING OFF! I SEE WHO WAS TAKING A FUCKING VACATION AND BELIEVE ME YOU'RE ABOUT TO BE DOING PUSH UPS ONA MOUNTAIN OF GRAVEL AND SANDPAPER UNTIL YOUR ANUS BURSTS FROM THE ATTENTION ITS GOING TO BE GETTING FROM THE SHAME-FAME I'M ABOUT RAIN DOWN ON YOU!

grimAuxiliatrix began responding to memo:

GA: I Assume You're Current Condition is Due To The Accident That Has Been On The News Recently Are You Alright? I Must Admit I've Been Trying To Contact You Since School Started And Your Absence Became Prolonged And Apparent To Even The Most Absent Minded Of Us.

CG: YEAH I'M FINE, I'LL BE BACK SOON. IF I SURVIVE THE BRAIN HEMMORRAGE THAT HIS MY ROOMATE, BUT I GUESS I'M IN THE BEST PLACE FOR MY BRAIN TO RAGE QUIT ALL OVER ITSELF AND SQUIRT SLUDGE OUT MY EARS.

GA: It's Interesting That You Mention A Roommate Issue, My Acquaintance Also Alluded To A Friend Experiencing Similar Boarding Issues.

gallowsCalibrator began responding to memo:

GC: OH OUR F34RL3SS L34D3R HAS B33N 1NC4PC1T4T3D, LOOKS LIK3 1TS T1M3 FOR ON3 OF 4R4D14'S CORPS3 P4RT13S!

CG: SHUT THE FUCK UP I AM SERIOUSLY INJURED HERE! DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH MY CHARACTER WHILE I'M GONE, I SWEAR IF I COME BACK AND I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING SPACE AGAIN I WILL BAN ALL OF YOU!

GC: 1F YOU B4N 4LL OF US TH3R3 WON'T B3 A GU1LD STU1P1D! :D B3S1D3S 1 TH1NK YOU'R3 4V4T4R SM3LLS SO GOOD WH3N H3 TURNS TH4T R3D COLOR! OH! OH! 1 B3T YOU SM3LL GOOD WITH 4LL YOUR BOOBOOS YOU SHOULD L3T M3 T4KE CAR3 OF YOU!

CG: HOW DO YOU MANAGE TO BE THE CREEPIEST IN SITUATIONS WHERE THAT SHOULDN'T BE POSSIBLE LET ALONE APPROPRIATE? I MEAN REALLY I'M ON MY DEATH BED AND YOU'RE JIZZING YOUR NOSEGASM ALL OVER ME LIKE IT'S THE FUCKING NATIONAL PASSTIME AT A FUCKING FREAKY BLIND SMELLING PERVERT PARADE.

terminallyCapricious began responding to memo:

TC: Oh MoThErFuCk No! BeSt FrIeNd ArE yOu OkAy, DoN't WoRrY bRo I'lL bE tHeRe BeFoRe YoU kNoW iT. hOnK :o( dOn'T gO mOtHeRfUcKiNg DyInG oN mE.

CG: I'M NOT ACTUALLY DYING YOU IDIOT, YOU DON'T NEED TO BOTHER COMING TO THIS GERM INFESTED SMELL HOLE.

TC: dOn'T wOrRy I'm On My MoThErF-iNg WaY. ;o)

terminallyCapricious has stopped responding to the memo.

CG: NO YOU INTOXICATED IDIOT! UGH!

twinArmageddons began responding to memo:

TA: oh man kk are you ok. that acciident looked pretty bad. hey can you bring me my cd when you come back? You know when you're better

arachnidsGrip began responding to memo:

AG: So, since you're clearly too 8usy healing from your already 8unched up your ass panties surgery, I will 8e taking over as leader for you. As I'm clearly the only person capa8le person for the jo8.

CG: FUCK. YOU. BOTH. YOU KNOW WHAT SINCE YOU ALL THINK THIS SITUATION IS SO FUCKING PISS-YOUR-DIAPERS-FOR BABIES FUNNY I'M MAKING ERIDAN **_TEMPORARY_** LEADER.

GA: I Think You Are Being A Bit Unfair Not To Mention Rash.

TA: seriiously kk wtf

AG: No! Y8u Can't 8e Serious!

caligulasAquarium began responding to memo:

CA: a wwise choice for once I wwill exceed your farthest expectations as your replacement.

CG: AHAH! SO YOU FUCKS ARE PAYING ATTENTION NOW AREN'T YOU! AND DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT GETTING TOO COMFORTABLE YOU PHILANDERING FISH FUCK, I'LL BE BACK BEFORE YOU KNOW IT.

CG: I HAVE TO GO; THIS DOUCHE WANTS HIS PHONE BACK. DON'T THINK I WON'T BE BACK TO CHECK UP ON YOU ASSHATS. HAVE FUN~ HAHAHHAH!

carcinoGeneticist stopped responding to memo.

Karkat's smirk soon turned to a sigh when he remembered Gamzee was making his high ass across town right now just to check on him. He definitely didn't want to explain him to John and a bunch of scared-shitless nurses.

"Hey my friend is going to be here later, just a warning he's pretty weird but don't say anything or I'll punch you in the face," Karkat said quickly, folding his arms defensively. He threw John's phone back to him who had asked for it when it buzzed from a text he'd received.

"Oh cool! What's his name?" John said wondering what kind of person Karkat's friend would be, he couldn't quite get a full picture.

"Gamzee," Karkat found himself more nervous with John's curiosity. John was about to respond when the door flew inward making both boys turn startled.


	4. Sometimes I Meet People

**Good day/night/whatever. Here I am updating, thank you for the reviews, favorites, and follows! A special thanks to the guest who pointed out the past booboo! Well disclaim and on with the show.**

Sometimes I Hate It Chapter 4:

Sometimes I Meet People

"John!" Long black hair flowed behind a swiftly turning head and coming to rest on exposed shoulders. Her green eyes shimmered and her lips pursed as her eyes met the sunken ones of blue. Her eyes scanned his small form and her breathe caught. Karkat watched the girl's small movements as she made her way to the bed slowly, smile catching on the dopes face. He watched her with great interest; his first thought was that she was his girlfriend. Oh. Huh.

"Jade!" he said carefully lifting his hands toward the green topped girl, "You're here early," Karkat recalled her name and realized, embarrassed, that it was his sister. "Where-," John was cut off by a blonde standing in the doorway.

"Yo," the pale boy waved sauntering over, plopping on the bed by John's feet.

"Dave!" John said beaming even wider or maybe he wasn't, Karkat felt unsure for some reason, then he stopped caring altogether and flipped the television on. This caught John's attention, "Guys meet my new best friend Karkat!"

"Fuck! Stop introducing me like that!" Karkat yelled as the two now looked over to the suddenly small-feeling boy with his black feather-ruffled hair.

"Hello Karkat, I'm Jade!" She giggled, ignoring Karkat's scowl, "And this is Dave," she said knowing he wouldn't introduce himself.

"Sup," he said turning his attention away from Karkat, which he'd wanted but the blonde did it in a way that pissed him off. What was this guy's problem?

"Karkat's been taking such good care of me you guys!" John said and then saw a pillow flop against the wall.

"Shut the fuck up Egbert! I have not!" Karkat grumbled and John chuckled making the brown-eyed boy burn. Jade and Dave just stared at each other.

"John are you doing okay?" Jade said fussing over him, her hands resting on his face worried.

"Show us your stitches." Dave said poker faced. Jade looked at him harshly.

"Dave now's not the time!"

"You're right I want to see them after their healed," He pulled the blanket down with a tug. "Ante up John let's see the damage."

"Alright," John said laughing nervously, he lifted up his gown thankfully he'd had boxers put on him. They all turned to stare at the pulling knots on the pale soft torso, Karkat had only caught a glimpse once when it had been time for a sponge bath and the nurse hadn't closed the curtain before his gown had come off. Dave whistled and John pushed his gown down wincing when his IV caught from overextending his arm.

"Oh my! John your leg!" Jade said moving everyone's attention to that area, his leg's skin was raw and thin in half spiral from his knee to his ankle.

"Yeah it's pretty nasty," John said, frowning. Dave inspected closer holding his glasses to his face with one hand. John thought it was funny, because Dave is actually pretty squeamish.

"I think this skin is Ronald Regan's balls, dude you got presidential sack on your leg I didn't think you were so patriotic," John and Jade gave resounding 'ew' laughing and Karkat just looked disgusted. Before Dave could predictably go on a spiel which probably would've ended in rapping the national anthem in a more 'ironic way' Rose came in placing her keys in a knitted purse.

"Sharing battle scars are we?" Rose said noting the covers position. "John I have the things you requested," She said placing her bag on the other side of John's feet that Dave wasn't occupying.

"Oh sweet!" She pulled out a small portable DVD player, four movies, and a book. John grabbed the book as she slid it into his reaching distance knowingly whilst putting the other items on the crowed table in a shoe box she'd been carrying in her other hand.

"Here Karkat," John said smiling holding the book out for him to take. Karkat's face must have been quizzical because John continued, "I thought you might be bored so I had Rose bring you a book. I don't have any romance books but this one was my birth mom's so it's kind of special, I think it has romance in it I know it was her favorite so I think you'll like it," Karkat frowned, what was he supposed to say to that, in front of strangers no less. John had put him in such an awkward position. Karkat felt the whole room looking at him, he was about to yell for John to keep his stupid book and ideas to himself but he saw that arm shaking form the strain. He snatched the book both roughly and carefully.

"You don't need to do that kind of thing stupid," He said blushing at the window he was now facing.

"Heh, you're welcome Karkat," John said happily.

"I didn't say thank you," Karkat retorted.

"Whoa who turned up the homo in here?" Dave asked interrupting John's response who turned red-faced.

"I'm not gay! I just don't want Karkat to be bored!"

"Hey man it's cool, I can dig the rainbow all different shades of color. And shades are something I can really get behind; don't let me get in the way of your Japanese school girl confession. Dang the love in here's so thick I think I just about OD on reproductive juices. Fuck now I'm feeling it too, gonna have to go downstairs and find me a sweatshop so I can burst through the door and get my interracial swag on, it don't matter to them because a husband's better than a Nike. Jumps right in my arms and as I carry that barely legal across the threshold, everyone's clapping even though the whippers whippin' and they lost pay for a day. So don't mind me bro, but just so you know we're registered at Macy's," Dave said face even, Karkat's eye twitched.

"What the fuck was that! What the fucking shit is wrong with you?!" Karkat shouted.

"That's just Dave being the 'cool guy he is'," Jade said rolling her eyes.

"Really because to me it sounded like he was having an aneurysm OF STUPID FUCKING IDEAS THAT ARE SO DEVASTINGLY IDIOTIC PEOPLE ARE GIVING SEMINORS TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHY THE GODS WOULD PUT SOMEONE SO INCAPABLE OF NORMAL FUNCTION ON EARTH IN THE FUCKING FIRST PLACE THAT IT'S FUCKING BAFFELING. I WOULDN'T DATE THAT THREE-QUARTERS-TO-HALFWAY-THERE GOOF IF HE WAS THE LAST ATTRACTIVE MAN ON EARTH!"

"So, you think he's attractive?" Jade raised an eyebrow.

"You do date men then?" Rose said passively. Dave stayed stoic.

"WHAT IN THE EVER LIVING-GODS-FORSAKENED-MOTHER-LOVIN-FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!" Karkat blushed and scrambled to recover, he looked over at John staring at him blank-faced. "MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS! WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND ASKS A STRANGER PERSONAL QUESTIONS LIKE THAT?!"

"I believe you prompted the question by alluding to preferences in your previous statement, but I'm sure our inference is absolutely baseless," Rose's sardonic words made her black lips curve in their familiar manner. "Since you're clearly uninterested in our response to the completely unbroached subject of your questionable sexuality to the point of head-banging apathy, allow me to say that most of us here share an equal if not greater lethargy for contemplation of the truly shrouded mystery. Rest assured when you make your stunning revelation, we will all surely wet ourselves in shock."

"FUCK YOU BLONDIE YOU CAN TAKE YOUR SNOOTIE SHIT AND STUFF IT UP YOUR ASS! WHICH, NO, I HAVE NO INTEREST IN! NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME I'D LIKE TO TRY TO HOPELESSLY WASH MY CONSCIENCENESS THROUGHLY OF THIS ENTIRE EXCHANGE BEFORE IT BECOMES A PERMANENT FIXTURE FOR ME TO NOT GIVE A FUCK OVER AT A LATER DATE!" Karkat tugged the curtain slowly around with his right hand while placing his left ahead of it in a visible perspective to share a rather rude finger with the others. Thankfully he was undisturbed by the others until he heard a familiar noise echo in the hallway.

HONK.

"FUCK."


	5. Sometimes I Can't Help It

Hey so I posted this without letting my husband/beta reader take a look at this because I really wanted to get it out, but I wanted to make sure that (considering the circumstances) that the characters were in character and the situations felt organic. If someone seems ooc or something could be tweaked let me know and I'll fix it or do my best to improve in the coming chapters. I really hope you guys enjoy this story special shot out to Zexionienzo who's been super badass and supportive!

Sometimes I Hate It Chapter 5:

Sometimes I Can't Help It

John couldn't help but feel a bit miffed at how the first meeting between his friends and Karkat had went, but if he was being completely honest it couldn't picture it ending any differently. He rolled his baby blues and decided he'd pacify Karkat later. It was when Jade was about to ask him something that he heard something. There was a distinct quiet following the sound, all becoming silent except for a single curse from behind that Iron Curtain of Karkat's. Seconds later a tall figure burst through the already horribly abused door, the messy hair of a black lion's mane cascading around a face of white.

"Karbro where are you at motherfucker!" The sight of this painted man and his polka dotted pants had convinced John he must be hallucinating, he pinched his arm; Dave drawing a similar conclusion also pinched John.

"Right here you big lug-chucker, calm down. You're giving them a heart-attack," Karkat said pulling the curtain back, his eyes seemed to be half-lidded in a sort of patient calm that looked so foreign to the shot boy's face. John felt his face contort in a sort of awed shock that admittedly was probably an over-reaction, until the following actions took place.

"Oh man Mother-fucker look at the up and messed up face," The tall man crossed the room and begin mothering much in the same way Jade had done for the bucked-tooth boy only a short while ago. Stranger still, Karkat obliged the touching without much of a fuss other than brief grunts; he even leaned into the long-armed hug by the strange older boy. Were these two to an item? John transfixed on the scene, recalled that he had mentioned an odd friend would be stopping by. The lack of clarification versus the current display of affections made John question the others possible motives and kind of gave him a stomach ache. Maybe he was scared John wouldn't accept him, if he were gay? That seemed plausible.

"I told him to calm down, I'm sorry he got away from me," The room focused on a new visitor, a pretty short-haired girl with jade lipstick and a demure ensemble. "I hope you are feeling well Karkat. Hello," The girl half waved at the party shyly before joining the other two.

"Kanaya?" Karkat asked just as perplexed by the female's presence as the rest of them.

"Yes, I hope you don't mind I figured Gamzee could use an escort," She sat at the edge of the short male's bed as 'Gamzee' crawled into the side of Karkat petting his head.

"Yeah it was all miraculous how this mother-fucking kind ass lady decided she'd up and join me on my way to visit my best bro as he's all healing up from some crazy nasty bad jujus," The tall boy said seeming to get lost repeatedly by his own words.

"Oh man a Juggalo? Like for real? That's pretty crazy," Dave said excited at the 'ironic opportunities' most likely, although his voice and face didn't seem to indicate as much.

"Man, what's that? Everyone's always asking me crazy things like that, small world huh? I mean how does someone even be something, really?" the obviously oblivious (and high?) man asked. Dave smirked, stoically if you could call it that, and pulled out his iphone.

"I'll show you," Dave took a step forward before skinny arms waved him frantically away.

"OH NO, PUT THAT AWAY!" Karkat screamed. "IT TOOK FOREVER TO CALM HIM DOWN LAST TIME, AND IF HE'S APPARENTLY BLOCKED IT OUT, THEN YOU BETTER PRESENT YOUR ASS IN PRAISE THAT HE ISN'T GOING TO RAGE ALL OVER YOUR SHIT FOR SOME SORT OF BLASPHEMIES HE ISN'T EVEN FULLY AWARE OF."

"What?" Dave asked.

"It would be in your best interest if you don't share that media with our friend, it upsets him," the short-haired girl reinforced the angry boy's words. Dave shrugged and slipped the phone back into his pocket.

"Aw what and is all everyone all upset about?" Gamzee said concern sliding in and out of his concentration.

"Don't you worry about it, just shut your clown ass up and chill out," Karkat said patting the taller boy's hair down his normal scowl resumed its occupancy. At this point the silent Rose, who had been observing fervently while adjusting John's pillows, spoke.

"Excuse me for interrupting this crisis aversion, but I believe I know you," The blond spoke her eyes directed to the scarf wearing girl sitting at Karkat's feet.

"Oh?" the woman asked turning her chin outwards slightly.

"Yes, forgive me for being presumptuous, but can I inquire of you a screen name for an online game?" the black haired girls eyes widened a tad and her lips parted.

"Tentacletherapist?" She asked.

"Grimauxiliatrix?" Rose countered. "I thought as much our recent correspondences contained far too many similarities in regards to our current events to be coincidental," Rose seemed to beam at the girl. The two met in the middle of the room, shaking hands meeting each other for the first time.

"This is the fucking acquaintance you are always going on about?" Karkat's face danced through half expressions, trying to decide how to feel about this revelation.

"Wait," John said tuning in, trying to sit up a bit more "Didn't you once say that you thought your 'secret friend' went to our school?"

"It was increasingly likely possibility; my assumptions seem to be accurate as of this moment. In fact I'm going to take a bold leap and say that all of the persons in this room save for Jade and Dave, share the same institution of subpar learning," Rose said with Kanaya nodding in agreement. Silence filled the room.

"Karkat!" John said suddenly, "We can hang out at school now!"

"Oh my gods," Karkat covered his face with his hands shaking it vigorously to the point it looked like he was trying to rub the heels of his palms into his cornea.

The rest of the afternoon was filled with scattered conversations and laughter, and the occasional screams from a certain male. The two groups had begun merging nicely; Dave and Gamzee had a rap off of sorts, Rose and Kanaya shared a dialogue the rest either couldn't or didn't wish to get caught up in, and Jade and John busied themselves annoying Karkat. Soon the nurse came in to reveal the time and the friends began to share their goodbyes. John smiled and fulfilled hugs with a tired expression suddenly tired with the excitement, but feeling the best he'd had in days. He laid his head back as the door shut and closed his eyes. He then shook his head remembering he didn't wish to sleep.

"Hey, Karkat want to watch a movie?" John watched as Karkat's concentrated stare broke to look at him.

"I doubt you have anything I could possibly call a film, but at the risk of my brain stem strangling itself, if it'll keep you quiet for a while then go for it," Karkat huffed waving a hand at him. John smiled and carefully retrieved the devices from the shoe box and set the player up on top of his lap.

"I've never seen these before, I asked Rose to get movies you might like so," John trailed off smiling as the player activated and the DVD logo began bouncing on the screen asking for a disk insertion. "Which one do you think we should watch first?" John asked holding up two cases toward Karkat. One was a black and white film and the other a rather new romantic comedy.

"Why are you doing this?" Karkat asked looking at his lap face befuddled causing John to frown. "Why are you being this nice to me? It pisses me off that you're being this nice to me for someone you just met, who acts the way I do. Even if you want to be friends, it just feels like too much," John shook his head.

"Because I know we are gonna be best friends that I don't need to think about it too hard when it comes to being nice. You know you can still back out of our bet and save yourself a few dollars now!"

"I think I'll be just fine," Karkat rolled his eyes, "Put the black and white one on." He stated but looked away. John opened the player and placed the movie in and then began thinking about the recent events of the day. He knew he shouldn't piss Karkat off when he seemed so calm, and he knew he shouldn't be nosy but the curiosity burned in him so fiercely.

"Hey Karkat?" John stuttered adjusting the volume and screen settings absent-mindedly.

"What?" Karkat said situating himself to look at the screen comfortably.

"Never mind, I'm getting in your business just forget it," John said quickly both resisting his urges and chickening out simultaneously.

"What?! I hate when people do that, it's so annoying!" Karkat stared and John look couldn't anywhere besides his lap.

"You'll just get mad, let's forget it," John said squishing his face trying to keep from bursting with inquisitiveness.

"You're overdue to piss me off again anyway, seriously I am surprised you held back this long," Karkat seemed to wish to continue but looked somewhat eager as the issue began to build up.

"Areyoureallygayandareyoudati ngGamzee, I mean you guys seem really close," John exploded and then waited for the wrathful ass-reckoning he was sure was coming. He looked at Karkat's red face, yep there it was.

"We are just good friends you moron!" Karkat shouted surprisingly more quiet than what John was expecting, "Do you really even think I would date that lunatic! That's the stupidest thing I have ever heard since your name," Karkat ruffled his hair but didn't seem to have the energy to work up a good rant. John paused before continuing, biting his lip.

"Then you are gay then?" Karkat folded his arms and glared.

"Does it matter?"

"No, I mean I'm okay with it. I just never met someone who was gay before….not in person anyway," John looked away feeling a bit vulnerable from Karkat's glower, he just had questions and didn't feel comfortable asking his friends. There was a certain safety in a stranger, even if he was determined they'd become good friends later.

"If I answer you will you play the movie and leave me alone?" John nodded, Karkat sighed, "I guess you can call it that, I mean honestly I don't really think about the gender thing because it's kind of stupid. Does it really make a difference who you love? I don't really think most people are as honest with that kind of stuff as they should be, I mean out comes the alcohol and suddenly everyone's ready to play scientist. I think people just have more prevalent preferences in varying degrees and everyone is a lot more open to the idea than they think, they don't _really_ think about it too hard because society tells them not to. I could go on about this shit forever the long answer is I'm bisexual and the short is I'm gay, it's not all that black and white in my opinion. Now stop staring at me like that and play the damn movie," Karkat grunted and John nodded hitting play. His mind was reeling; the way Karkat talked about the stuff like it was so flexible was interesting. He knew he was straight, I mean he liked girls and such he thought they were pretty. The response was a knee jerk answer, but the way Karkat described it made him wonder about if he was as open-minded as he thought. It thought back to those few conversations where his friends had teased him too hard and he'd gotten upset, feeling that brief fleeting turmoil of confusion that came with the idea that people were seeing him in a light he wasn't comfortable with. He shook his tired head and began watching the movie. The movie was pretty heavily worded but had a gangster theme with mob style action that kept John's interest. John giggled as Karkat's attention to the romantic scenes was so consuming his eyes threatening to water. Karkat was more sensitive than he let on, which was a whole 'fucking' lot.

As the movie came to a close, John was able to get Karkat to relent, 'it wasn't so bad' even though he implied, correctly, that there was no way John had picked it. John asked him about his tastes and more about the online game they played, asking Karkat a million questions a minute to avoid Karkat's personalized rants on everything in between answers. Eventually Karkat, while answering John's recent question, realized he had been talking for some time without interruption. When he looked over through the darkness he saw that John had passed out completely.

"Idiot," He muttered lying down himself while turning on the light between them once more.


	6. Sometimes I Wonder

I'm pretty worn out from school work at the moment, I may go online but that doesn't make it any less work, for those of you wondering. So just letting you know, as I will still update weekly as has been made apparent by the last five chapters. Please enjoy as I disclaim.

Sometimes I Hate It 6:

Sometimes I Wonder

John never thought he'd be happy see a bowl of soup, with the irritating tube pulled from his nose he was finally allowed to begin his way back to normal foods. Normal was something he could really get behind right now. He was pretty sure he was wheezing a lot less as he slept as well because Karkat hadn't mentioned it as of late. He also wondered if he'd been sleeping any better because it was harder for him to recall ever waking up in the middle of the night. Perhaps his staying up until exhaustion took over plan was working after all, it had seemed to keep the terrors at bay most nights. He contemplated confirming his belief with his roommate but he just couldn't risk Karkat going through with his threat and spilling about the few nights he did wake up clawing his face, until Karkat's voice and ever present bedside light coaxed him into a relaxed numbness. He really didn't feel the urge to press his luck, but there were some days, like today were John woke up and his arm or Karkat's was hanging off the side of the bed.

Obviously they never talked about the embarrassing coping method, but John couldn't help but feel reaffirmed in his initial assumption that Karkat was a good person, caring even.

There was an interesting routine of sorts the two had grown accustomed to over the last few weeks. They ate and spent the morning talking or watching the movies Rose brought them. Then when the evening came an assortment of either teens' friends or John's parents came and kept them company, or as Karkat said 'imposed upon his sanity with deplorable amounts of dumbfuck' . When their visitors had gone for the day Karkat would read the book John had lent him, much to John's delight, while John would preoccupy himself in various ways until eventually he bothered Karkat out of boredom. However recently Karkat would be gone some mornings to physical therapy for his leg, causing John to wonder how bad Karkat must really be if he was having so much trouble. Before Karkat left every morning in a wheelchair he'd wake John to let him know he was going, and therefore he wouldn't be able to wake him if he wasn't there, another sincerity initiated by Karkat that made John smile his silly grin. When he returned, usually very tired and irritated, he'd yell at John about something and grow even more frustrated as John giggled away at his half-baked rants.

There were so many things John had began to learn about his roommate, much of it coming from the betrayals of the crab's visiting companions, but there was one thing John noticed above all else. Karkat was defensive and in turn highly susceptible to his sensitive emotions. All his ravings had to come from an initial source and the blue eyes was always searching the other's face for why; following the dark-haired boy's moods as they transitioned like melting ice in the sun. He had learned a few new expressions Karkat could make when he wasn't shouting, like his pacified face he'd make after John finally relented in an argument that was going nowhere or the serenity in his half-lidded eyes as he read or when Gamzee was near him. The friendship between the two, though still perplexing, had began make sense to John as he watched them interact. With everything John learned about the messy-haired grump, he began to have one chief sentiment when it came to Karkat. Confounding confusion.

No matter how the nerdy teen looked at it, there were too many holes. There were just pieces to this enraged puzzle of dork beside him that were missing and no way to find them. Although he resigned trying to solve the enigma resolutely numerous times, his attention was always sparked by small trigger facts that lead to more questions. And John just could not understand the fixation. He damned his curiosity and spent much of his recuperation envisioning beating it with a large nail-infested stick. Yet his face was even now, glued to finicky face that was pouting and pushing his food around on his plate with grumpy scowl.

"Stop staring at me," Karkat said not looking up from his plate.

"Do you like to play those weird sim dates, since you like romance so much?" John asked his tenth billion question for the day, Karkat had already given up getting around them as John would constantly bother him until he responded to him.

"I am surprised you even know what that is, pretty suspicious don't you think jackass?" Karkat countered, "I don't waste my time with horn dog things like that! Do I look like some sort of pervert to you?"

"I thought there were romantic ones though?" John said ignoring the accusations.

"I don't know probably; I don't have money for that kind of stuff. I play online games because they're free," Karkat finally pushed his tray away and laid back. Karkat didn't have a lot of money. John never saw his family visit him either, was Karkat an orphan? John knew better than to ask outright.

"Oh, yeah that's true I guess," John said pushing his half-empty bowl away as well. "Have you ever dated in- uh real life then?" John felt awkward talking about dating but honestly romance was the easiest topic to get Karkat to open up with. It was increasingly funny to the prankster how disarmed Karkat became when John got him talking about it.

"That's personal dipshit," Karkat flustered predictably.

"Oh wow you are such an old lady about this stuff," John said secretly amused as he rolled his eyes with faux annoyance. "I didn't ask you about anything dirty, just if you had ever went out with anyone jeez,"

"Have you?" Karkat countered arms already crossed like iron gates across his chest.

"Uh- well- I mean- um- Kinda?" John said blush now invading his pale face, he didn't like where this was going.

"Uh huh, how quick shit is flipped on the fucking table when the chef's a bastardized tool! If the shits too hot to dish out better cool it down before you get burned!" Karkat's satisfied grin made John fume with embarrassment even though the sentence didn't really make much sense. Fine the oven mitts were off.

"I was seeing this one girl, but we decided to stay friends. Now it's your turn!" John's voice may as well been pushing the conversation on Karkat physically.

"I DATED TWO FRIENDS OF MINE AND IT DIDN"T WORK OUT!" Karkat spurted violently, panting in embarrassment.

"Oh? Are you still friends?" John said leaning sideways toward the other.

"Grr, Ohh no! You didn't go into detail and I don't care enough to listen to your short sad pathetic excuse for a romance so drop it."

"Aw come on Karkat, teach me your romantic mojos that you are always going on about! Lead by example!" John pouted but couldn't hide his recurring grin.

"First off I have never once referred to my particular expertise as romantic mojos! Why do you care so much? Do like me or something?" John was taken aback.

"What! No! I was just curious since you're such a sap, if you had had some real life movie romances!"

"Yeah right you're busted! Well sorry Egbert you are going to have to woo me with more elaborate ruses than that!" Karkat sneered.

There it was again that reflex in John's stomach, the sick one that came with the pushing. He felt his eyes water as his face heat up, the pout on his lips becoming further sullen as the bile in his system rose.

"I'm not gay." He said quietly peering at the other over the top of his lenses. Karkat blinked, he hadn't meant it. He'd barely even grazed the subject, but the look on that face…

"I didn't mean it like that," Karkat looked down in a look of slight guilt and confusion. After a tense pause he continued, cautiously. "You know it's okay if you are. I wasn't any different than who I always was. You just like who you like," Karkat must have looked up to the angriest he'd ever seen John because he looked visibly stilled in fear. The pale face alight with a smoldering red as water leaked down his cheeks. John opened his mouth a few times to say something and then as if grabbing a large amount of oxygen brought his hand to his mouth, pressing it hard to keep it all inside. He closed his eyes and pulled the curtain half-heartedly to be alone.

"I'm sorry," Karkat whispered.

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	7. Sometimes Things Happen

Hey there sorry the last chapter was so serious but it's all required for any type of good relationship. Some stories take the idea of dealing with sexuality lightly, it is not something people in denial get over easy. John, I think, would have a harder time dealing with it because he tends to ignore problems and tries to stay light-hearted until it all back fires. But you can only hide from your problems for so long.

Sometimes I Hate It 7:

Sometimes Things Happen

Karkat had never felt so isolated. The barrier that separated him and others was usually at his own disposal, but now his own sword was turned against him and he was surprised by how much it stung. This is why he never opened up to people. He felt both dejected and affirmed in his reasoning that more friends lead to more rejection. Why had he ever indulged the flighty boy's advances, he should've tried harder to drive him off. But it was that pathetic, wounded physique and that contrary smile that disarmed him; the insufferable giggle and assertive promise of acceptance that had fooled him.

He then felt angry. How could someone push amicability to someone so opposed and then rescind it so harshly when he had only been trying to show support? Why, was he now forced to endure the rotting silence and why had he actually let himself feel any attachment? The boiling temper soon collapsed again into despair and loathing, why couldn't he do anything right?

Hours passed and he desperately wished he had access to a phone of his own so he could ask for guidance or solace of his few trusted, but distant friends. He could only lay there and listen to the sniffling coming from the other side of that blasted pale curtain. He felt his attention drawn to the clock and realized John must have warded off visitors today because it was well passed their typical arrival time. He shuddered as he realized he needed to warn his own friends not to come to avoid questioning the tragic scene that was taking place. Karkat's head spun as he tried to think of ways to remedy the situation before it was too late.

He felt bitterness dissolve his tongue repeatedly and his mind couldn't steady enough to find any sort of path to words. He looked over at the form partially hidden; the small shakes that had been moving the boy before had stopped and he looked eerily still to Karkat. What did the other boy feel? Karkat couldn't help but wish to know, to have some vantage or avenue to traverse instead of being static in this desert. Karkat's mind wandered to the time he realized his own sexuality. He hadn't really ever not been aware of it, for the longest time he just understood how he was. There had been times when he tussled with it, mostly in whether he should reveal himself or not. He had let quite a few crushes go unrequited for a long time in hesitance. When his secret was out to his online companions most of them seemed like they had already knew and the rest didn't voice that they had cared. He had felt emboldened with the safest warmth of companionship he had ever known but then he had dared make advances to a male friend of his and even though it had been reciprocated, it hadn't gone over well with the school's population and he felt the brunt of the oppression he had long sought to avoid. The bullying had become so unbearable that his lover had broken it off, he had never felt so alone, and he had never felt so angry. He had a small stature, but he quickly learned that anger had a way of overpowering fear. Once he started fighting back the barrage had lessened greatly, he still felt some of the heat of ignorance but there was always the satisfaction he had knowing he'd given a few bloody noses and black eyes himself to ward off too many unprovoked attacks. He did still have a mouth on him after all.

Through it all though, Karkat had been true to himself even if it was only because he always berated himself he had never felt confused about who he was. He had beaten into himself too often to forget. So, how did John feel? How did it feel to be so lost on one's truest nature? How did he not see that all the things that made him who he was still mattered over a silly little thing like attraction to males? Maybe that was the answer; maybe he needed clarification or confirmation to who he was in a way that was safe.

"John, I-ugh," Karkat hated saying sorry and he definitely hated saying sorry twice in one day, "am sorry," He stretched out the word over his gritted teeth trying to find a pitch that sounded sincere. He opted to just continue instead. "We can just forget about everything, I didn't want to upset you," Karkat hoped his words were coherent because he grunted them has he huffed his chest embarrassedly. Glad the worst part was over for him and now he just had to wait for a response. Then again that was pretty nerve-wracking too.

Silence prevailed and Karkat began to panic. John could say literally anything right now and it would have been better than the caustic silence. Even the hate and rejection would have been soothing rather than the heart pounding hesitance. Had he really earned the silent treatment? Karkat fumbled feeling blind as words fell off his tongue as time ran short. "I just was being careful in case you were feeling confused! I had to help some fucking friends though that kind of thing before and I just thought you'd want to fucking feel I don't know fucking safe. I'm not fucking assuming any-fucking-thing just being fucking-tiptoeing-around-a-bunch-of-fucking-mousetraps-cautious." Karkat pulled his hair as the nervous string of curses came tumbling out instinctually, as his mouth sought to determinedly make an ass out of him. Ticking clocks warned him of his friend's arrival and John's silence only made it louder. "I mean –fuck- I'm not hitting on you or fucking anything, I just fucking wanted to fuck, HELP I WANTED TO HELP. I mean if you felt unsure you might fucking want a fucking safe place to fucking ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ! Please just say something!"

Giggling arose from the curtain startlingly Karkat, as the laughter died a shaking voice that had clearly been crying spoke "I'm sorry Karkat! I'm not mad at you I just-," The silence seemed to be returning.

"John if you want to be sure I can help you! I mean you want to prove that you're straight right? I can help you get it over with! Then you'll never have to deal with again!" Karkat stammered out and then banged his head against his fists. WHAT THE FUCK DID HE JUST SAY? WHY ON EARTH DID HIS MOUTH THINK THAT WAS A GOOD IDEA! Karkat started jittering trying to think of way to repair the colossal damage as the quietness suddenly felt too short like a life raft losing air at sea. Oh why had he ever hated the quiet? The quiet had always been his friend, he was so stupid!

"Like how?" John said softly. Karkat felt his heart stop and his head jolted out from between his fists toward the noise. That was a good question. Before Karkat could answer, Gamzee fell through the door with a loud honk and Karkat suddenly had the deepest love for clowns.


	8. Sometimes Things Happen Part B

How indeed does one make sure?

Sometimes I Hate It 8:

Sometimes Things Happen Part B

What had he gotten himself into? Nightfall was coming and he had to decide how to do the most offensive thing to homosexuals fighting for their rights everywhere and that was figuring out how to prove one's heterosexuality. Gamzee was distracting John, he had taken quite a liking to John, in his typical manner of being an easily impressed idiot. Some days Gamzee spent more time with John than he did Karkat. And that was fine because he could make John laugh, Gamzee loved to make people laugh even if he did it mostly unintentionally. Right now he was unwittingly helping Karkat by buying him time. Time was not on his side today and visiting hours ended too soon. Not minutes after Gamzee had stumbled out the door John turned a blushing face and bitten lip with those stupid buck teeth toward him expectantly.

Fuck.

"If I'm going to help you," Karkat began but knew he was mostly stalling, "You have to keep an open-mind. If you don't let yourself be completely free of prejudice it won't mean a goddamn thing and it'll all be for nothing, understand?" John nodded. "You have to just let your feelings take control not your mind and not your feelings about your feelings, and anything that happens will be a secret between us alright?" Karkat said for his own privacy sakes as well, casually ignoring that he was being a hypocrite in latter affair.

"What are we going to do?" John asked blinking leaning towards Karkat's direction.

"The obvious thing," Now what was that again? Karkat had seemed to have forgotten himself.

"What-What's that?" John gulped visibly and Karkat felt his own face heat up.

"I'm going to kiss you." Karkat stated firmly to his own bewilderment. WHAT? Karkat wondered if his own face looked as shocked as he felt because his features were numb from the heat.

"Oh," John said looking down biting his lip unsure. "But-I mean, I don't know," John stammered

"No prejudices remember? No thinking. And if you tell anyone I'll rip out your tongue," Karkat said only partly to his own volition. Was this really the best way to do this?

"Oh," John said again. "Right now?" Looking up from under his glasses at Karkat.

"Do you want to wait and wonder?" Karkat felt strangely manipulative.

"No." John said quietly after a long time. Karkat sat up feeling tingling in his limbs; his mind was trying to catch up to how he'd gotten in this position. Never in a million years and then some would he kiss anyone so casually, but this certainly didn't feel casual. If anything it felt surreal. He saw his good leg rest on the floor below him, and his hand rest on the shared bedside table. He lifted himself up and with a careful bounce he was one step away from the other's bed. He hesitated in the glow from the bedside lamp the only light source in the room. Another step.

Before he knew it he was gingerly placing himself on John's bed, as the other looked up at him sitting only partially up. He looked down at John's wide eyes, using his hand to hold his face in place. He felt his breathing quicken and his heart pound in his ears with a loud ringing. He leaned forward stopping before John's face. The thumping stopped. Everything was quiet and immersed in a warm sea of stillness. John's eyes fell partially.

And Karkat kissed him.

So softly so warmly, a sweet rush leaked from their connected lips through his entire form and he sighed lightly into the kiss. As he inhaled through his nose he pulled away so slowly, watching John's eyes open in step with his retreat. He vaguely wondered if he should give time for John to react before he found his lips on the others again. He pressed a little harder letting his hand wander through John's soft hair. He should probably stop now. He felt his lips move against John and cringed inwardly. He pulled away again his heart heaving. John's eyes looked downward and Karkat waited. John's eyes looked up at him suddenly; Karkat thought to himself that he should give John space as he positioned himself slightly above him, his arms on either side of his head. He pushed John's head back fiercely his lips moving and the waves it elicited were addicting. The part of Karkat's brain that was still sane was asking what the fuck he was doing, but was silenced when John's lips twitched against his.

John's lips were interlocked with his. It was an amazing feeling. Waves of warm euphoria Karkat couldn't even begin to describe crept through him initiating a harsh haze. One hand gingerly fingered the blue-eyed boy's hair, and let his lips move a bit more vigorously. A breeze on Karkat thighs reminded him he wasn't exactly in the best wardrobe to be getting this excited. He pulled away feeling a longing tremble shake him. His dark eyes waited his nose an inch away from John, his eyes slowly opened and then looked away to farthest corner they could travel. The prominent flush on his face was mirrored on the bespectacled boy and his slightly ragged breathing echoed. He'd only kissed one other boy before, but the idea of kissing someone uncertain of their tastes and unsuspecting of the outcome not to mention he would NEVER act so intimate with someone he just met was highly intoxicating. It was a naughty feeling. And he enjoyed it; he even had the slightest surge in just waiting for John to respond. Now the tension was thickening and the tick of the clock slowly picking up pace in reparation for being lost previously. The room's warm glow receded slowly to the edge of Karkat's feet and he could feel it threatening the equilibrium of calm surrounding him. The nip at his toes made him consider prompting the blue-eyes for some sort of response. He thought better of it.

"Good night, I'll be right here," Karkat reminded placing his hand on John's cheek only to slide it away as he stood and returned to his bed.


	9. Sometimes I Say Goodbye

Okay thanks for the reviews people I really appreciate it! Makes me want to work harder and ignore my homework. I don't fish for reviews because I like them to be genuine and not just a ransom for holding a chapter hostage kind of review. So I really do appreciate when people take the time to tell me what they think, good or bad.

Sometimes I Hate It 9:

Sometimes I Say Goodbye

John knew he was stalling, he knew that his actions were transparent yet he couldn't seem to broach the subject first. Karkat kept giving him half confused and half expectant looks, his tone questioning as John dived straight into the awkward ocean of faux ignorance. As breakfast was rolled in and his phone buzzed for the hundredth time from concerned and ignored chums, John knew Karkat was on the edge. Literally he was leaning with a furrowed brow of scrutiny over his bedside looking quite silly.

"What?" John said staring at his murky broth.

"UH," Karkat said backing off, looking as if he was trying to find his thoughts at the bridge of his nose. "I just uh? Well? You're um not fucking confused or anything still?" Karkat looked away as he ungraciously let his words shatter across the floor. John winced, but feigned a smile.

"Uh, yeah I am okay. I think I uh figured it out," John smiled and Karkat mumbled a good but didn't look away. John was lying. He was more confused than ever, his uncertainty had reached dizzying heights and he was overwhelmed with how disorienting they actually were. He had a vague feeling if he let on that he was even more confused it would somehow land him in an awkward place with his roommate that he wasn't ready to deal with yet.

When it was clear he wasn't going to go into detail, Karkat laid back slowly still watching intently, it made John highly aware of his movements. He had enjoyed the kiss. That he could admit. But was it because he'd been so deprived of intimate affections for so long? He was a teenage boy and it made sense for him to be a less discriminate when it came to such long desperate times without the sort of release his body naturally craved. It was incredibly easy for him to picture going further with Karkat, but how much of that was just being a frustrated teen with no girlfriend and how much was him actually longing for the touch of a male specifically or at least indifferently?

Endless sensations and inquiry entertained his thoughts, but his was melting onto his shoulder from Karkat's stare.

"Karkat? Can you not stare at me so much?" John tried not to blush but the act of trying to defy his burning face just made him feel even hotter. He looked at the receding brown eyes that cast downward and a trail of pink on Karkat's bunched nose as he denied that he had done any such thing. Again, John could feel the vague sense of attraction and he knew Karkat was attractive. So was he attractive because he was fervid with the desirous lust of youth? Or because of the tiny qualities that made up Karkat's physique and face that John was so aware of.

John spent so much of his day wondering, often falling out of conversations with Karkat much to the other's exasperation and malcontent that he failed to notice his friend's arrival. Dave strode in hand in his back pocket and let his face sit next John's for almost half a minute until he finally snapped to the realization.

"Dave!" John said surprised and for some reason uneasy at the proximity of the other.

"Thought we were gonna have to put down there for a second Lassie," Dave plopped down next to John's legs. Not taking two minutes for pleasantries before jumping straight on the grill wagon as he most surely would have referred to it, "So what's up? We were all freaking out when you suddenly went V.I.P only and by V. I.P I mean virtually ignoring peeps. Not cool bro," John could tell Dave was irritated even if it was subtle and almost passive in a way. His humor was off and his rants were short. John shared a look with Karkat and then they simultaneously found the wall so much more captivating.

"Sorry," John couldn't think of an excuse and he definitely couldn't explain what had taken place even if he had wanted to. Dave's face remained unshifted but he said nothing to reprimanded John.

"Hey Vantas?" Dave threw out completely unexpected, John's heart raced with naïve paranoia that he recognized as silly, but could not entirely dismiss. Karkat was obviously startled too as he let out a stumbling "yes?" without any of his typical attitude. Dave was quiet for long time and anticipation fogged the room with a sort of tension that had an edge component that was hard to pin down. "I'm going back home in a few days, Harley too. When do you get released from here?" Karkat looked perplexed and frowned.

"About a week," He mumbled looking down at the bunched blankets between his fingers.

"What?" John asked his voice a pitch higher, he immediately felt foolish. Of course Karkat would be released soon, his injures were becoming far more manageable than what a hospital was necessary for. It just, it's just John had thought he'd have a bit more time. And he'd gotten used to the company during the morning and the routine at night. What would happen now when Karkat wasn't able to stifle his terrors? John was shaken from his thoughts when Dave spoke again.

"Well till then, watch out for Egderp he's basically a twelve-year-old-girl,"

"HEY!" John piped.

"Yeah I noticed," Karkat grumbled. John folded his arms and glared before Karkat interrupted, "Hey can I borrow the phone?" surprising John from his pout, he reached over and passed the phone over without a fuss. Dave watched the exchanged and quirked an eyebrow.

"You let him use your phone? Aren't you scared he reads your messages? Our uses it to get off to porn? Or uses your messages to get off? Shit this is a hospital all the unhygienic passing of fluids is just unsafe-,"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP TWAT-SCRAPER! THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!" Karkat proceeded to toss a dodged pillow which had gotten so much airtime over the boys' stay. John laughed and playfully slapped Dave's knee.

Time had passed and without much incident the boys had returned to their normal routine successfully ignoring any returning awkwardness with a dutiful effort. Dave and Jade had said their final goodbyes Wednesday and promised to text as soon as they arrived home. They were able to exchange information with the newfound friendships that had been formed with Karkat's own visitors on their final visit and it was agreed that full guild exchange was in order to delight of all but Karkat.

Today was Sunday night, and Karkat was expected to be released tomorrow morning.

"So are going look for me when I get back or I am I going to have to hunt you down?" John said light-heartedly.

"The school's really big, you'd probably never find me," Karkat avoided.

"Hunt you down it is," John chuckled.

"Whatever idiot, even if we did run into each other I doubt we'd keep in touch,"

"I'll keep in touch don't worry I won't forget you Karkat," John said playfully winking and Karkat blushed.

"You are so stupid, tch as if I'd ever care if you forgot me. In fact it'd be a fucking relief." Karkat folded his arms and John laughed knowing he'd probably nailed it.

"Whatever you say," John yawned but didn't quite want to let go yet. He stayed up talking with Karkat for a bit longer than normal and was surprised when he stirred realizing he'd fallen asleep talking. He looked over at turned form and wondered how long ago they'd fallen asleep. John hadn't formally said goodbye, and he wasn't sure if he wanted to. He really hoped Karkat was really playing when he acted like he didn't want John to find him or talk to him at school. He really felt like he was good friends with him, and after all they'd been through…It'd be so sad if they just drifted away as strangers. Maybe that was sappy, but John always took being a good friend seriously. He felt his eyelids droop and a pang of sadness as he stared over at the blurred form he'd gotten so used to. He didn't want to imagine that bed empty. He sighed and turned his face to the opposite wall.

"Goodbye Karkat," John whispered determined to say it once more tomorrow.

When John awoke the next morning, he saw a perfectly made bed. He thought Karkat must still be at therapy when he saw his mother's book on the corner of his bed, draining the morning grogginess effectively. Sadness washed over him. He felt it physically wrinkle his face, he picked up the book realizing he'd missed his chance for a formal goodbye and perhaps an assurance that they'd speak again.

A piece of paper fluttered out from the pages of the old book and onto John's lap. He picked it up, bringing it closer into his vision and smiled. It read in all caps:

IOU $10


	10. Sometimes I Move On

Wow so I'm pretty excited about the last part, it was always my intention to do that ending from the very beginning. That was always the key part of the story I focused on and I really hope it was at least an inkling of how powerful it was in my head. Anyway thanks for the reviews and here is chapter 10.

Sometimes I Hate It 10:

Sometimes I Move On

Karkat knew this day was coming. The Lalonde girl had alluded to it in the most irritatingly vague way and now there he was in the middle of a November day smiling stupidly. His frail looking arms a bit thicker and gripping the straps of a green backpack. He had thought about this moment many times, a fact that he was mortified to admit even to himself. Karkat just had so much trouble with people and it was always awkward meeting someone after such a long time with zero contact. He fidgeted watching the oblivious teen stare at a piece of paper, and then watched as he turned slightly reaching for his phone. Karkat thought maybe he should just play it cool like he originally planned and just walk away, and wait to see if the other would actually keep his word and hunt him down. He wasn't sure which scenario he preferred, the simplicity in the boy forgetting all about their gauche time in the hospital or the boy being as sickeningly endearing as he made himself out to be and that he'd hopefully bypass awkward and act as if they'd never been a day apart. He cursed at the blond girl smirking in his mind, he had no time to prep himself or any idea what he'd actually say.

Growing irritated Karkat began to think why he should be afraid of some loser thinking he was weird; the guy had practically begged him for friendship previously. 'Yes' the boy mused he was eighteen for Christ sakes, he had no problem being a man and saying hello like a proper adult. Well using the term 'proper' loosely. Karkat moved forward, thinking how he'd just say hello and get it over with rather than letting the tension build on who would approach who and skipping any trigger shyness. Unfortunately Karkat had begun moving hurriedly in the opposite direction during his mind's private exposition. He berated himself mentally and made his way to the nearest bathroom.

All day Karkat rolled his pencil back and forth on his desk in-between scribbling circles and shapes onto his blank note page, having long given up on paying attention. He felt defeat roll down his shoulders like a chill, ashamed with how socially inept he really must be to actually avoid someone because he was too nervous about a little ungracious eloquence. It put him in a foul mood and he'd snapped at a teacher twice today. He growled to himself pulling at his jacket's red sleeve that was fraying from abuse. He was determined to confront the source of his problem as soon as possible and give him a piece of his mind.

The courtyard was sparser in bodies than typical, being later in fall most students dined in the cafeteria. Karkat normally would have been in the warmth of the cafeteria's dull bulbs as well, but he suddenly had a fondness for nature and solitude. Karkat tore at his sandwich of plain turkey and looked at the ground trying to will away any feelings of sullenness. Unaware of his being watched, he shivered giving a longing look at the cafeteria doors with a heavy sigh.

"It's pretty cold out here huh?" Karkat froze, and over-dramatically turned his head slowly over his shoulder feeling as if under the shadow of a giant. He shook his head finding his best glare and turned at the green jacket clad boy with his stupid teeth poking out, as they did when he smiled too widely, over his bottom lip.

"Well, well, well finally decided to show up huh? I was just about to think they pulled the plug. If you had any manners at all I guess you left them writhing in their own filth at the hospital" Karkat folded his arms.

"What are you even talking about Karkat?" John giggled and Karkat relaxed a bit, the relief was intoxicating and he inwardly celebrated.

"Telling your friends, _as well as mine_ like a total tool, not to prepare me for your arrival, to keep it as you so pussily put it as a surprise! I'm on to your shit you creep, but you aren't getting the jump on me! I know for a fact that you have been on bed rest at home for the last few days and have been ever so stupidly alluding to some big prank you were going to make! But the jig is fucking up and I'm not falling for any of your bullshit magic fuckery"

"Aw man you told you?" He said only half frowning and taking a seat across from the red sweater boy.

"Your fucking beaver-puppy abomination faces aren't as fucking cute as you think, a sixth grader probably hides shit better than you," Karkat had actually snuck onto Kanaya's phone when she had been talking to Rose. John rolled his eyes and took out a brown bag and proceeded to relieve it of its contents.

"We'll see," John said simply giving what Karkat assumed he thought was a devious face but he just looked stupid.

"If you mean see how hard I will wail on you if pull any funny shit then yes we will see, or I should say I will see because I will kick your ass so tremendously hard that the very sight of destruction I unleash on your orphan-Annie-reject excuse of a body will be so gruesome you will pull out your own ocular devices at the sight of it!" Karkat warned pointing a sharp finger.

"Orphan Annie Reject huh? You make as much sense as ever Karkat," John laughed causing him to grind his teeth

"The fact that I even have to explain myself is proof enough that you are still as mentally impaired as ever!" Karkat retorted standing up slightly, slamming his hands on the table but sat down and took another bite of his sandwich with John laughing. Karkat's rotating jaw made him think. Made him think about all the questions he had. All of them flooding his tongue making him feel full with curiosity that he couldn't even began to prioritize. He was bursting but stifled himself as best as he could to force out the least compromising answer. The pressure of silence was piling as the seconds ranged dangerously closed to the minute mark.

"How are you sleeping?" Karkat asked and immediately regretted and regarded it as the answer he wanted to ask the least as it was correspondingly the most embarrassing. He could feel his lip curl up in the disgust for himself.

"Oh! Uh," John looked down ashamed and Karkat resisted the urge to pull his hair. "I had to go to some pretty heavy counseling and therapy sessions but it was probably better that way. I kind of feel dumb for letting it get this way. I'm still seeing someone about it now." John stuffed his mouth with apple sauce still avoiding Karkat's gaze.

"That's good though right?" Karkat asked trying with all his being not to feel the guilt of having prevented John's recover while knowing better. After all John had begged him to keep silent.

"Yeah it is." John said once more taking a bite of apple sauce.

"So are you going to be okay with all the school you missed," Karkat asked bored by his own question but he honestly just wanted to produce a less uncharacteristically sullen response from the boy, even a neutral one was better.

"I'm not actually sure, they have me going to group tutoring for people that missed out because of the accident like me. It kinda of seems like another support group though not sure if I'll go. If I can catch up on my own I should be okay and Rose will help me, but I still might end up in summer school,"

'Great,' Karkat thought that topic hadn't helped much either. He tried thinking of a different approach, but he began to wonder why John hadn't been making much of an effort in retrospect. He observed a slight fidget from John as he rubbed his arms. "Are you cold?" Karkat began pulling off his red sweatshirt and stopped midway realizing what he was doing.

"No, I mean, a little," John waved his hands his train of thought synced with fluffy haired male. "I'm fine. Actually there is something I've been meaning to ask you," John rubbed his neck and chewed his cheek looking up under his lenses. Karkat felt his ears perk up and his jaw soften. "I mean feel free to say no, but I mean I was going to ask you online but you haven't been on the game so I haven't been able to. Your friends offered to relay the message for you but I mean I guess asking in person is better?"

"Spit out for the love of Christ, jeez a potato is more articulate than you right now!"

"Okay, okay," John shuffled and Karkat felt his heart beat at the suspense, "Would you wanna hang out this weekend?" That's it? Karkat felt underwhelmed and embarrassed for the thousandth time that day, with the direction John had been going he'd made it seem like a very awkward and completely different matter.

"After all that 'we're gonna be best friends' bullshit, you're going to try to drop the cocky attitude now after all this time? I mean seriously what the fuck? I'm surprised you didn't beat my head open with those fucking space stations you have orbiting your lips and drag me to your secret nerd cave as soon as you saw me."

"Heh, yeah I guess you have a point, it's just I haven't had that many friends over before. And I know you'd give me a hard time regardless of your answer and beat around the bush. I was actually expecting you to just say no after a bunch of vague ramblings and say you'd never hang out with a '-insert some stupid insults here-' and possible throw something." John squeezed a juice box in his hands, sipping and waited for a response from the open-mouth Karkat.

"Fuck you! Like you really know what I'm going to say all the time, like I'm some kind of predictable prick. Well guess what surprise surprise you are fucking wrong as usual not only I'm I not throwing anything, please hold back your astonishment that I'm not a fucking ill-bred chimp for two seconds while you fucking learn something useful, I'm also not immediately declining your offer nor am I beating around the fucking bush either because I'm not two. Now if you excuse me I'm going to go accomplish something with my life, I will see you fucking Friday evening," Karkat booked it just as the bell rang, walking much faster than necessary trying to hide his limp as he moved. Later he realized he hadn't gotten any useful information about the coming weekend.


	11. Sometimes It's Different

Sorry my internet was done for a while.

Sometimes I Hate It 11:

Sometimes it's Different

Two days had gone by and Karkat had shared two lunches with John, somehow each was more exhausting than the last. Karkat felt a permanent gravel taste in his mouth from the constant shoving of his foot in his mouth. How did he manage to keep hitting the worst topics possible? More than ever he loathed social interaction. Karkat pulled his hood down as he waited for John, reliving every cringe or long pause he'd managed to make a core component of every single conversation. Yet to his aggravation the buck-tooth kept returning, enthused as ever. He groaned outwardly, feeling his chest tighten at the thought of the awkwardness that he'd be enduring during what was surely going to be the longest weekend of his life. 'What is wrong with me? I should just cancel!' Karkat thought biting his indented thumb, he knew he wasn't any good with people so why was he putting up with this dweeb. On cue Karkat flinched as his name was called in a voice he found increasingly grating.

"Hey Kar!" John said plopping a burning hand on the grump's shoulder. This was it, the beginning of a long series of fuckall. "Come on my house is this way." John smirked and practically tore past Karkat down the sidewalk. Karkat sighed and heaved his bag onto his shoulder and followed after.

Karkat shuffled his shoes off at the door of John's room, following his example. He put his things down where John pointed and watched him rearrange some things as he babbled.

"I haven't had any friends over since I was a kid." John admitted as he unrolled a makeshift bed of comforters and sheets.

"I've never really been invited anywhere, soooo…" Karkat countered honestly feeling a bit relieved from his lack of slumber party experience. He felt nervous and on edge but tried to keep his face blank, he conjured images of a certain tool and his infuriating dark shades as inspiration but could feel the tired edges of his wide eyes well with water and his mouth tug downward into its familiar groove.

"Oh really?" John said turning his face to look at Karkat.

"I'm sorry did I forget to put on my pink fluffy wings, because I'm clearly a social butterfly. Don't be stupid, does it look like I waste my time with people?" Karkat rolled his eyes and bent down to adjust a corner of folded blanket.

"I guess not," John laughed. Karkat felt his face heat up and mumbled another idiot into the space between them.

"Speaking of which, how are you going to waste my time today? If I'm going to be the guest shouldn't you be keeping me entertained? So far I'll I've watched you do is reverse origami on some bed sheets." Karkat folded his arms and feigned irritation with a huff while breaking what was surely another deep silence ravine.

"Um yeah, I actually do have some things planned for us. I kind of spent a lot of time thinking about it," John rubbed the back of his head with a shy smile. Karkat grimaced. "But a good entertainer _builds up_ to the finale, he doesn't lead with it." Karkat never wanted to punch someone in the mouth so hard as he did when those stupid dimples curled up.

"This way!" John suddenly sprang up to his feet and flew to the door.

Down stairs John lead Karkat down a hall and into what appeared to be an entertainment room. The curtains were drawn and there was a small platform, barely visible, pushed against the back of the room. Karkat also noticed a trunk, a projector, a few beanbag chairs and a giant white square painted against the black walls that acted like a screen. John flipped a switch that lit some Christmas lights strung up along the wall like a procession of fireflies.

"This is my home in my home!"John chuckled waving for his guest to take a seat under the glowing parade. John clicked on another cord and turned on a small black light above the stage where John proceeded to stand. "And tonight, entertaining is exactly what I plan to do!" John lifted a piece of particle board that Karkat hadn't noticed laying flat against the wall and flipped it to expose a white side with small lines falling down its face. "I'll just need a moment to prepare," John smiled adjusting the board to cover the front of the stage as he tugged the chest from the corner of the room up onto the stage. Karkat realized that under the black light the board resembled a white curtain with a glamorous purple glow.

"Wow." Was all Karkat could say, he was impressed and honestly overwhelmed by the amount of effort and creativity that he just hadn't expected from the lanky boy. He saw John's head peek up from behind the board to smile at him. Now that he thought about it, however, John had been surprising him all along.

John had put on a terrific show, he had done magic tricks, some Karkat was familiar with and others he never would have imagined. Like the one where John had turned a hat inside out several times revealing a different interior each time. He'd performed a few skits of comedy with a brief puppet performance and finished his performance with a short lighting routine that he used to create impressive effects and images. When the show was over, Karkat clapped and John's face reflected an ecstatic grin as he bowed he let out a huge breath.

"That was really good." Karkat said his hands still pressed together from clapping. "Like really good, and way better than I'd ever thought I'd have to admit." He smiled a bit, remembering the brief moments where John had him laughing a smidgen.

"Well that's good you're the first person besides my family to see me perform and I was really nervous you would think it was dumb," John fidgeted but was still beaming as he flopped down next to Karkat obviously tired from moving about.

"No, it was good." Karkat said seriously as he turned to face John. "You ok, you're breathing kind of hard?"

"Yeah I'm just tired and I haven't performed since the accident. Looks like we wasted a good two hours what do you want to do now? Are you hungry?" John turned to face Karkat.

It was about nine in the evening when the two boys had been winding down from a video game spree of overt competitiveness. When the playful shoves turned into blatant, not to mention painful, sabotage it was decided a movie break would be less damaging. After selection and the recruitment of snacks, the pair settled in on the floor leaning the backs against John's beanbags. Not far into the movie Karkat fell asleep and was stirred by a very close John.

"Shit don't do that!" Karkat jumped bumping his head on the wall. "Sorry", John said pulling away and standing up. "Yeah jeez personal space doesn't mean much to you does it?" John ignored him but asked if he wanted to go to bed for the night. They made their way up stairs and into John's room, John told Karkat that he was going to change.

"Yeah sure whatever." Seconds later however, Karkat's face lit up as John began to strip. Shaking his head he turned away, he hadn't expected John to be okay with Karkat being in the same room with him while disrobing. Most "straight" guys really got huffy if they knew a gay guy could possibly even for a second graze their eyes over more than a bare shoulder. Karkat wasn't about to complain however, if John was actually enlightened enough to feel comfortable with it, (or just oblivious enough as Karkat thought was more likely) he wasn't going to fuss. Following suit Karkat pulled out his bag and began switching into the ratty shirt he used as a nightwear.

Karkat usually suffered a bit of insomnia so he was surprised by how tired he was. After he had changed he had flopped onto the previously abandoned palette of bedding they had set up. Then he looked up to see John towering over him his hands on his hips. "Oh no," He said, "You are not sleeping on the floor," before Karkat could flick him off properly, John was pulling him up and trying to force him onto the bed.

"C'mon! You are the guest!" John grunted trying to drag Karkat up by his arms, but his feet kept slipping on the bedding beneath them. "Can you go ten seconds without making anything difficult?"

"Fuck you! Take the bed; I don't want to sleep in the cesspool you roll around in!" Karkat leaned his torso forward feeling John collapses into his back. "GRRR! FUCK OFF ME!" He heaved his shoulders and John fell backward onto the bed with a satisfying thump to his head on the wall. But before the smirk could form on Karkat's face, John charged him once more. He stumbled back preparing to fend off another session of pulling, but was surprised to see John sitting cross legged on the ground before him. Grinning his most putrid smile yet. "You son of slag-toothed road sucker!" John bit his lip to keep from laughing but quickly flopped down against the padding, dead-weighting undoubtedly with his arms and legs spread out. Fuming and unwilling to admit defeat, Karkat got down and punched John in the ribs, causing his white arm to bend in protectively. Karkat seized the opening and planted himself next to John, staring him down.

"Really?! Just get on the bed!"

"Fuck. No. It's pretty cozy down here, but if you feel cramped go right on ahead,"

"No, I think you're right it's ridiculously cozy!" John said just as determinedly, but Karkat still felt he had more up his sleeve then John realized.

"I don't know, I'm a snuggler! I wouldn't want you to feel uncomfortable! You would probably feel much better up there," Karkat said, flopping his arm across John's arm harder than necessary.

"Are you kidding? And miss out on this snuggle fest!" John pulled a wide-eyed Karkat into an embrace. Okay he really did not expect John to call his bluff, he thought as he smelled the other's hair. Heat rising, Karkat stood.

"I'm going to the bathroom!" He said feeling his darkest scowl on his face.


	12. Sometimes I Adjust

Sorry it's late I have finals.

Sometimes I Hate It 12:

Sometimes I Adjust

John stared at the now empty space were once an angry Karkat stood and sighed, he hadn't counted on that. Relaxing his arms he laid back and took a deep breath, he felt the familiar bubbling in his stomach that recognized as newest best friend's arrival, anxiety. His eyes automatically rolled to a little untouched orange cylinder sitting haphazardly on a messy desktop corner. He hadn't needed the little numbered pills yet, or at least he had thought of plenty of excuses to why he hadn't. Admittedly he had been doing considerably better after his therapy sessions, but initially after checking out of the hospital had suffered a number of anxiety attacks in public places that kept him out of school longer than intended. He closed his eyes, preferring not to concentrate on his ongoing existential crisis, but at the moment his current issues were not much of an improvement.

John didn't think he'd come on too strong. He had just been taking Karkat's lead, hadn't he? Wasn't it was okay for friends to play flirt? He had seen Dave do it plenty of times, but maybe Karkat thought he was making fun of him because he was gay? Or bi. Or whatever. He still wasn't quite sure how things like that worked despite some uncomfortable searches on the internet. They had been having a good time, and John had messed it up. He had spent so much time preparing as well, he had managed to get Rose out of the house and coincided it with one of his parent's date nights. Yet here he was, on the floor, waiting for a pissed off Karkat to stomp in and declare his departure because he had somehow managed to break another invisible rule.

John mussed his hair and sighed a single "Karkat why?"

"Why what?" Karkat stood in the doorway leaning against the frame looking at the tip of his nose. A deep frown was etched on his face and his hair looked frazzled. "By the way I had no clue where your bathroom is…I had to wander around in the dark"

"Why…uh, um," John stuttered sitting up awkwardly. "Why, did-you not ask? Where it is, I mean?" John looked at him sideways trying to hope Karkat was having one of his rare bouts of mercy.

"Why should I even have to ask! I'm the guest! Be a better host," Karkat wrinkled his face in distaste against his own train wreck delivery. "Hey can we go to bed already, I'm pretty tired." He said, his quick words surprising John.

"Yeah, sure." John said laying back down, barely catching the smirk Karkat wore climbing over him onto the bed. Karkat stretched his arm up above their heads flicking off the light.

"Good night," Karkat muttered turning over, "Yeah. Good night," John replied peeking at the barely visible silhouette lying above him. "Hey." John blinked at his own statement before he recognized Karkat's reply.

"Yeah?"

"Um, did you- you know? Have a good time?" John forced his eyes shut feeling his lip curl at the stiff awkwardness. Karkat was quite before giving a begrudging 'yes'. "Cool." John said slapping himself audibly in the face.

Karkat was slipping on his shoes in morning when John's groggy eyes stirred. He groaned a tired yawn rubbing his eyes and adjusting his pajama pants. "Hey I gotta go." Karkat said looking down at him while pulling his bag onto his shoulder.

"Oh?" John said.

"Yeah I got some stuff to take care of, but you know thanks or whatever."

"Oh sure," John said standing up to lead Karkat downstairs past the disheveled audience of his family. He tried not to let the defeat into his voice as he moved past Karkat down the stairs, "I hope you had a good time. You can come over again if you want."

"Yeah." Karkat huffed. Then as they made it to the front door added "Yeah okay." Looking away with a scowl. John wondered just what had happened that had made Karkat so offended with common intimacies and courtesies. He screwed his mouth to keep from laughing at the way Karkat's face wrinkled as if he had just said a really perverse term. Even John wasn't as awkward with people as Karkat seemed to be, he felt his heart lightening a bit as Karkat hesitated to leave out the door immediately. As if to say something more Karkat looked up from his feet, but both were startled by a load honking outside.

"I'M COMING FUCK HEAD! GODDAMNIT!" Karkat pulled open the door swiftly and stalked out the driveway to a red car, before John had the thought to see who its driver was the car was speeding away.

John sighed, his hand absentmindedly fiddling with a piece of peeling paint on the doorframe as he stared out into the empty street. "Maybe next time," He said as he shut the door behind him.

That evening John sat on the purple sheets of Rose's bed engaged in chat with the rest of his fellow party members. Rose sat at her desktop doing similar but occasionally looking back to scrutinize a sullen John pulling at his headset. "You'll break it if you keep snapping it like that," She said while muting her own mic.

"Eh"

"Is something wrong?" Rose asked. John rolled his eyes and gave her a stare, but she continued. "Did you not have a good time last night?"

"No. No it was okay," John said ignoring the querying Dave on the other end of his headset.

"I told you it would be slow-going with him, don't be discouraged." Rose said in her soft voice that John just knew she must practice.

"I know." John knew that short sentences only seemed to bait her but he couldn't muster the energy to care.

"I hate when you do this." Dave echoed again, he did indeed hate when John and Rose would engaged out of the chat system and though John was aware of this he didn't bother muting his mic. Partially because the button of his headset would stick from time to time, but mostly because it bothered Dave so easily.

"You can be really impatient John, but if you stop thinking about it you'll see things move faster. In fact you'll probably find things moving faster than you care for them too." John tried not to roll his eyes again.

"I know, let's just finish this quest"

"An excellent idea," Dave chimed and Jade giggled, which caused John to smile a bit.

PING

John blinked.

**MESSAGE**

"Karkat?" John said recognizing the username attached to the message. Rose's head tilted at the name but remained focused on her screen. "It's an invite. 'Hey assholes…..decided that they want…waste of time…my foot up…' Hey guys Karkat's group wants to play with us!"

"Karkat's the screaming midget…are you really still talking to him?" Dave said but Jade gave an exciting giggle.

"Oh come on Dave I know you talk to one of his friends, and I talk to Karkat all the time he's fine,"

"WHAT!" screamed the two male party members.

"What? Is that a big deal? I've been trying to arrange a full guild exchange remember? I've been talking about it since John started playing again.

"Ohhhhhh," John groaned. "For real?... Well do you guys wanna play with them or not?" To his surprise there was an affirmative murmur, even Dave gave an agreeable hmph. "Alright." John clicked the accept invite and his party was transported to the medium loading screen. Immediately he heard a roar of loud voices echo in his headset, the loudest one he recognized.

"Hey Karkat," John said as his screen finally released them into the large purple server and revealed a group of twelve or so people all squabbling in front of a giant stone monument. Immediately the Avatars turned to face the arriving players.

"About goddamn time, okay two groups of 8 let's go people!" Karkat's avatar motioned for John to stand beside him.

"What are we doing?" John said as Karkat surveyed the groups as they pushed and shoved to opposite sides.

"We're seeing who's team wins first duh, I didn't think you were that slow. Theses medium quest take days and your puny group only has four people so I'm lending you some of mine." John looked and saw four extra usernames under his party's list.

grimAulltrix

gallowsCalibrator

arachnidsGrip

adiosToreador

"Oh ok" Before the mixture of relief and disappointment could wash over John he was suddenly thrust into leading what was probably the most dysfunctional group of players he ever met. He spent thirty minutes just getting the introductions out of the way and trying to assign some sort of order to what they were doing. Rose and the one he remembered as Kanaya were godsend, helping him dictate and plan what they were doing. By the time it was time for bed, he was exhausted.

"That was insane." John said rubbing his eyes.

"It seemed enjoyable though, and the spider girl seems to like you," Rose replied closing out her programs.

"Yeah well I'm going to go pass out now,"


	13. Sometimes It Slips Out

Sometimes I Hate It 13:

Sometimes It Slips Out

John felt sure he'd sunk to the center of the earth. There was no way he was seeing what was plastered on his screen. Yet there it was in bright red text while pesterchums' smiling mascot sat happily in the corner of the screen mockingly. He locked his phone screen numbly; slipping the device back into his pocket determined that he would track down Rose as soon as the bell rang. He seethed as the clock ticked down and he felt his hands clench in his jacket pockets.

As he sat here in his desk helplessly subjected to droning whims of his math teacher his whole life was being ruined and there was nothing he could do. He thought for a few moments and even though he knew he was over exaggerating he couldn't help but flush with anger at the one responsible. His own adopted flesh-and-blood sister had betrayed his trust and he be damned if he didn't get to throw a well deserved, overdramatic hissy fit to end all hissy fits. He glowered at his sunshine colored pencil and waited in erupting silence for the hour to end. Suddenly his pocket vibrated against his thigh causing him to jump from his angry-ridden cognations. He sighed locating the teacher with his peripheral while slipping his phone out and under the desk. He was both relieved and enraged to see Rose's name appear in place of the expected Dave and in the form of a text message rather than the obnoxiously smiling chat client.

(RE:) FROM ROSE: I'm sorry, I'll wait for you after class.

**TO ROSE: **Yeah.

He tried not to let the nausea overwhelm him as his mind darted recklessly. Just when he thought he'd have to race for the trash bin to spew his guts into its savior white cylindrical body the bell tolled and he bolted up right. He grabbed his bag and almost ran down several exiting classmates. Within seconds a stony but guilty looking Rose approached him as he tried to do his best impression of Karkat's glowering face.

"John, I'm sorry I underestimated Dave's reaction," Rose looked straight into his face and suddenly seemed much smaller than himself.

"No Rose, just no! I cannot believe you did this! What am I supposed to do now?" John folded his arms tightly around his front holding his ground even though he felt the fleeting need to curl up and hide.

"It was an accident, and you did give me permission to inform him at my discretion. I made a mistake and I'm sorry," Rose grabbed her shoulder before speaking again, "The damage might not be permanent. We just have to wait and see what happens."

"Wait and see! That's it? Just wait for my life to fold over and wither away!" John rubbed his head roughly in his hands.

"Unless you want to get the jump on all this then yes," Rose said quietly.

John could not stand it anymore; he threw his hands up in defeat and stormed off into the men's restroom where Rose could not follow him. He slumped down in a stall cursing. Rose was right, there was nothing he could do but wait for time to tell him whether or not two of his best friends had ruined his life. He had read the messages himself and knew Rose hadn't meant for Dave to go all weird on them and he knew Dave had a tendency for things to get out of hand when he was upset. Still his hard work undone in one hour's worth of letters all while he slept the night away.

Dave had contacted Rose after they all had logged off; he had obviously become jealous of John potentially replacing him with Karkat as a new best friend. Although he tried to hide behind his typical shield of humor if was clear, even to John, that he was worried about losing his best bro. Rose had tried to console but in the end it slipped out, and Dave freaked. Dave was who he should he really be upset with, but somehow he couldn't help but think Dave would have reacted differently if John had told him himself and now it was too late. In the end however, he had given Rose permission to tell what he was scared he'd never be able to say.

Then as he woke blissfully unaware and hopeful he received the messages from Dave apologizing, and Rose knocking grimly at his door. Last night Dave had been talking to more than one girl and that other girl was Karkat's friend. Dave in a sort of disbelief had ended up blabbing everything to this Terezi girl and now at any moment Karkat would know too.

The bell for lunch to begin rang and John felt himself get up sluggishly. He had thought about it all day and not knowing was defiantly worse than knowing. He had to face Karkat himself, he had to know. He barely looked as he pushed the heavy doors open to the court yard. His breath icy before him, he counted in his mind willing himself to look at the familiar dirty black table. He felt his courage falter, but he forced his trudging legs to move. He cringed as he spotted a short mass sitting at the place they had sat just three days before. He couldn't tell if this was a good sign or a bad sign or if it was really bad sign. He had never wished so hard to not exist as he did right now. Did he know he panicked inwardly? Did he know John liked him?


	14. Sometimes It's Obvious

Sometimes I Hate It 14:

Sometimes it's Obvious

Karkat had been enjoying his solitary Sunday night by lying on his bed wishing it was a year in the future so he could be off in college instead of this personalized hellhole. Tangled in the red and grey sheets he let his eyes glaze on the dingy ceiling until a vague ping drug him from his reveries. He absent-mindedly felt for his phone somewhere by his hip, it was less flashy model then his last phone but the previous one was nothing to showboat about either, but Karkat didn't care about that kind of stuff. As long as it got the job done what did it matter how fancy it was?

He recognized Terezi's name. It was almost twelve, and it was even later for her so he wondered what she could possibly want this late.

FROM: Terezi

K4RKLES! 1 H4V3 N3WS FOR YOU! BUT BEFORE 1 BEGIN THIS M4GN4M1OUS SH4R3 F3ST OF 1NFORMAT1ON L3T M3 JUST SAY TH4T, TH1S PR1V1L3G3D 1NFORMAT1ON 1S D1VULG3D 4T 4 V3RY P3RSON4L 3XP3NS3 OF M1N3, TH3R3FOR3 1 W1LL ONLY T3LL YOU TH3 MOST P3RV3LANT P13CES 1F YOU COOP3R4T3 :]

**(RE):TO: TEREZI**

**WILL YOU SPIT IT OUT, I'M TIRED AND DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS BULLSHIT.**

FROM: Terezi

NOW NOW TH4TS NO W4Y TO G3T 1NFORM4T1ON, 1 W1LL G1VE YOU 3ACH P13C3 OF 1NFORMAT1ON 1F YOU ANSW3R ON3 QU3ST1ON

**(RE): TO: TEREZI**

**THIS IS SO STUPID. WHY DOES EVERYTHING HAVE TO BE A GAME WITH YOU PEOPLE! WHATEVER, I DON'T EVEN CARE. KEEP YOUR SHITTY SECRETS.**

FROM: Terezi:

OH 1 GU3SS 1 M1SJUGD3D YOU TH3N, 1 GU3SS 4FT3R 4LL TH3S3 Y34RS 1 H4V3 NO CLUE WH4T COU1D POSS1BL3LY COUNT 4S R3L3V3NT 1NFORM4T1ON TO YOU? 1 GU3SS TH3 S4PP13ST P3RSON OF OUR GROUP DO3SNT C4R3 ON3 B1T 4BOUT 4NY POSS1BL3 ROM4NT1C 1NT3R3STS R1GHT UND3R H1S NOS3?

**(RE): TO: TEREZI **

**GUESS NOT. WHAT A FUCKING SHAME, NOW WHO'LL COME AND MAKE ME A CHILD BRIDE SO THAT I DON'T HAVE TO LEARN ANY REAL SKILLS BESIDES LEARNING HOW TO MAKE FUNGUS FROM THE BACKYARD INTO A MEAL FOR OUR SEVEN BLIND CHILDERN; BECAUSE I'M CLEARLY A 15 YEAR OLD GIRL FROM THE 1800'S WHOSE WHOLE LIFE REVOLVES WHO CAN GET ME KNOCKED UP THE FASTEST BEFORE TYPHOID ENDS MY SHORT PATHECTIC LIFE. FORGIVE ME FOR NOT BEING SENSIBLE I MUST NOT HAVE EATEN IN THE LAST FEW DAYS. WHAT WAS I THINKING NOT FOCUSING COMPLETELY ON THE ONLY PROSPECT THAT MATTERS? **

FROM: Terezi:

:[ YOU 4R3 JUST MAKING THIS D1FF1CULT, YOU 4R3 GO1NG TO 4NSW3R M3 4ND YOU 4R3 D3L4Y1NG TH3 1NV3T1BL3! COM3 ON K4R 4PP4R3NTLY 1T'S A B1G DE4L!

**(RE): TO: TEREZI**

**EVEN IF I DECIDED IT WAS PERTINIENT INFORMATION ENOUGH TO WASTE MY TIME BY REVEALING ANSWERS TO WHAT MOST LIKELY WILL BE HORRIBLY PERSONAL QUESTIONS THAT ARE CLEARLY NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS. **

**I HAVE NO IDEA IF ANY OF IT ISNT SOMETHING YOU PULLED OUT OF YOUR MANICAL PSYCHOPATHIC ASS; HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW ANY OF THIS? YOU ARE AND HAVE BEEN, THANKFULLY, THOUSANDS OF BLIND-CRAZY-FREAK-FREE MILES AWAY.**

FROM: Terezi

1 C4NT S33 BUT 1 H4V3 3Y3S 4ND E4RS 1N M4NY PL4C3S :]

**(RE): TO: TEREZI**

**BYE**

FROM: Terezi

W41T! F1N3, 1 H34RD 1T FROM D4V3

YOU US3D TO B3 MOR3 FUN :[

**(RE): TO: TEREZI**

**WHO? WAIT, THAT TOOL IN SUNGLASSES? TCH I'LL HANG MYSELF WITH GAMZEE'S RANK ASS CLOWN SOCKS AND RECITE MY MEMOIRS TO AMPORA BEFORE I EVER CARE TO HEAR WHAT THAT SKINNY-JEAN- WEARIN-HIPSTER-DJ-WANNABE HAS TO SAY, ONLY SHIT THAT GUY CAN SPIN IS MY EYEBALLS INTO THE BACK OF MY HEAD.**

FROM: Terezi

:/ 1 KNOW J3ALOUSY WH3N 1 S33 1T! TH3 PO1NT 1S H3 KNOWS WHO L1K3S YOU

**(RE): TO: TEREZI**

**OH GOD, PLEASE DON'T TELL ME IT'S HIM.**

FROM: Terezi

4S 1F YOU COULD G3T SOM3ON3 SO COOL ;] NO 1TS SOM3ON3 YOU KNOW THOUGH

**(RE): TO: TEREZI**

**THEN WHO? IT CAN'T BE ANYONE WORTHWHILE IF THEY KNOW HIM.**

FROM: Terezi

W3LL YOU TALK TO THEM SO WH4T DO3S TH4T S4Y 4BOUT YOU? H33 H33

**(RE): TO: TEREZI**

**WHO? THE AMOUNT OF PEOPLE WE HAVE IN COMMON IS SLIMMER THAN THE CHANCE I'LL GIVE A SHIT. IS IT HARLEY? I TALK TO HER THE MOST, BUT I CAN'T REALLY SEE THAT…**

FROM: Terezi

4H4H 1 KN3W YOUD COM3 4ROUND! W3LL 1F YOU W4NT M3 TO SP1LL 1T YOU H4V3 TO 4NSW3R MY QU3ST1ON!

**(RE): TO: TEREZI**

**FINE.**

FROM: Terezi

DO YOU CURR3NTLY FANC3Y ANYON3? AND DON'T L1E 1 4LW4YS KNOW

**(RE): TO: TEREZI**

**NO.**

FROM: Terezi

4R3 YOU SUR3, 4R3 YOU POSTIV3 YOUR 3MOT1ON4LLY CR1PPL3D H34RT DO3SNT B34T 1TS LOUD, ANGRY SCR34M1NG PULS3S FOR 4NYON3 4T 4LL?

**(RE): TO: TEREZI**

** NO. NOW ANSWER BEFORE I SUDDENLY STOP CARING.**

FROM: Terezi

F1N3, 4P4R3NTLY TH3 3GB3RT BOY H4S 4 TH1NG FOR YOU :] 1T R34LLY GOT UND3R D4V3'S SK1N TOO YOU WOULDN'T B3L13V3 HOW GR34T H1S SUBTLE FR34KOUT S3SS1ONS 4R3

FROM: Terezi

K4K4T? 1 H4V3 PROOF 1F YOU DONT B3L13V3 M3 :D

What? Egbert? Karkat forced his mouth to close; he _really _had not expected that. After all the stuff in the hospital Karkat couldn't help but feel like he was taken around back and slapped with a rake of what was surely all that was holy. Plus some. But John had never clarified his feelings had he? 'OH GOD' Karkat thought, had he led him on? He had kissed the poor kid in a state of confusion, which in retrospect could have been seen as taking advantage of the situation. And what in the clearly absent god-green earth had that weekend been? Was John trying to…to get him, or something?

He pulled his hair hard; he had not been expecting something like this. He knew he definitely did not want another Sollux fiasco, but how could even deal with being some dweeb's first admitted gay crush?

His mind echoed Friday evening's events, one moment in particularly kept urging him to examine the thought path less traveled, but how could he even think of doing anything after all the setbacks of this year? Still when John had hugged him, it surprised him. Because he didn't expect it to feel so nice, he didn't expect to feel that way. Not with the dork. He had admitted John was cute but more in an abstract way. He had agreed he didn't totally hate the guy, okay he did, but it was a very manageable sort of hate. But he knew overall he was not looking for that kind of relationship, hell he hadn't even wanted a friendship with John, but the little freak assaulted him with it. He hadn't even gotten the opportunity to consider the possibility of being pursued by this guy, let alone the reverse.

There was no way he could face John, he couldn't even think of how to begin to let him down. How do tell the person you kissed at their most vulnerable that it wouldn't work out? That you don't even think you could handle the thought of that kind of relationship. Karkat wasn't even here in his mind, he was gone, he had moved on to the next year when he'd be as far as possible from here. He wasn't sure he'd even be who he was come summertime.

No matter what he did it would end badly, and as much as every fiber of his being hated the idea of turning down being someone's first gay crush, it'd only hurt John more in the end when it didn't work out. The situation was so delicate, Karkat felt tiny strings tied to everything around him and he was fearful of the ones he would trip.

The next day Karkat sat, his breath clouding in front of him, waiting with his hands pulling at the insides of his pockets. When he saw John he saw the grim look on his red face he lifted a hand to wave hello.

"Hi-I Karkat," John's voice cracked into a high pitch 'Oh my gods' Karkat thought, it was true.

"Hey," Karkat said looking at the green looking male standing in front of him. "So I wanted to talk to you about something," Karkat tried to keep his tone even but honestly he felt he was about to punch somebody and he knew his expression probably reflected as much. Sometimes he got really irritated with being so angry all the time. Then he stopped giving a shit.

"Ha! Don't tell me you fell for it? It got out a little early but still looks like I got you!" John said weakly spreading his arms out awkwardly as if he were a jester with chronic asthma, "It was all a prank," Karkat felt his palm hit his forehead before he could stop himself, man that was weak. The kid couldn't be any more obvious, but Karkat sighed and wondered if he should go along with this easy way out by playing along with the prank excuse.

"Was it," Karkat felt decidedly a little put off, "Because that'd be pretty fucked up to do, to play with someone's feeling like that," John stuttered and shook his head.

"No, I mean I didn't want it to play out this way…" John finished weakly. "I'm sorry," John looked at his feet and Karkat wished he knew what level of the conversation he was apologizing for.

"You wouldn't want to date someone like me." Karkat said.

"No I would! I mean you're pretty cool and all." Karkat hadn't meant for John take it that way. "I think you probably be a cool b-boyfriend," Goodness John's eyes were even bluer and far more pathetic when they were wet and wide like that. "If someone liked you I mean."

"John if you like me you should come out and say it, because there is no use pussyfooting around it like repressed loser," John flinched and Karkat considered apologizing but John started to open his mouth after about a minute.

"At the hospital I woke up screaming at night and I almost hurt myself really bad," Karkat wasn't expecting this direction and certainly didn't want to bring up the source of his guilt. "When I started going to therapy I was so ashamed to have worried my family and about how terrified I am, I had anxiety attacks and when I think about it too hard I can't breathe." John clutched his chest his eyes remained fixed on the ground. "I'm okay though, but I feel really stressed out. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed and light-headed and I just freak out. I just wanted you to know, that sometimes talking to you…because you were there and you know. You know, and that helps. It helps me feel grounded, like I know for sure that I am alive and I won't wake up on that road. Or that I won't wake up at all. I know I'm okay because you were there. And- And I like you Karkat" John looked up but his eyes seemed to look right through Karkat.

"I was scared of what it meant and it took me a long time to come to terms with it. I had to take a lot of time to deal with it and I had to work it out with my therapist and Rose. But I like you, and I uh understand if you don't want, to you know. Talk to me anymore," John looked down again, but Karkat couldn't tear his eyes away and he suppressed all the irritation that he had from John springing all these emotions on him so unexpectedly.

"You really are a little faker," John jolted at the sudden jeer, "You were so cocky acting like we were best friends for fucking five-ever but you really are a little pessimist. If after all the shit you put me through you really think I'd let you just wriggle your way out of this thing instead of me, you got another thing coming! You dug your own grave this time buddy and now you have to lay in it and putrefy, nope sorry you're stuck now you little shit," Karkat stood pointing with his statement and only edged back down into his seat when he saw John break a smile and chuckle.

John sat down but stayed silent, Karkat knew now was the time but there was no way he wanted to be the one to go first. He shivered and remembered how cold it was and saw that John's pale face was red and chapped from the wind. John looked up but Karkat was already looking away.

"So, I-" John stopped clearly too fearful to move forward and Karkat knew it'd be cruel to leave him dangling.

"About us," Karkat cringed "I mean it's not that I don't think that you're complete and total loser, because I do. I mean I don't want to suffocate on horse entrails so hard when I'm around you," John's face was a mixture of disgust, confusion, and few other things Karkat couldn't work out. "I could probably go about five days trapped on an island with only you, NO! NO! That's a good thing, with most people I'd immediately off myself. OH MY GODS WHY IS THIS SO HARD!"

"It's okay Kar, I didn't expect you to return my er feelings," John looked sullen with a bitter taste clearly emanating from his tongue as he spoke, "I think I'm going to go get frost bite or something for a while," John stood and Karkat panicked, this was not how this was supposed to go. John still didn't understand why it was a horrible idea.

"WAIT! NO I MEAN WHAT THE HELL! LET ME FINISH!" Karkat pulled John's sleeve "YOU CAN'T JUST DECIDE YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING! I I'M NOT SAYING NO!" Well he was but not for the reasons John was thinking, but he needed to get the boy to sit back down and the bell was going to ring. "I GOT A LOT GOING ON IS ALL OKAY? I DON'T ALWAYS HAVE TIME FOR KIDDY STUFF LIKE DAY DREAMS ANYMORE! I'M BUSY TRYING TO KEEP MY FUCKING HEAD TOGETHER AND IF YOU HADN'T NOTICED I CAN BE A LITTLE ON EDGE SOMETIMES!" Karkat wasn't really sure what direction he was going in but John was still staring looking as scared as ever. That was probably because Karkat was screaming loud enough to dislodge a satellite from orbit.

"I JUST- I want to keep things simple, and you can't let me have that can you! You come in here and make everything a mess, saying you like me. That's a lot of pressure, being someone's- I don't even know honestly. I just, don't think you got me all figured out! You don't know me, you don't know what I'm thinking," Karkat hid his face inside his arms; he heard the bell ring but didn't move. "I hate that, people always saying what I'll do next! Like I'm some prewritten script that everyone can read but me. I have more fucking brains than most of them! You can't just push some fucking buttons-" Karkat stopped and let his head slip and bang on the table with a growl while ruffling his hair.

"I don't think you're predictable," John whispered, "I never know what you're going to do or say, you always make me laugh." Karkat looked at him but sighed.

"Man, Egbert you don't make this easy,"

"It doesn't have to be hard, I can go. I'd really like to go. In case you hadn't noticed this is pretty much the most embarrassing moment of my life."

"Hey this isn't exactly-," Karkat noticed an administrator rounding up stragglers moving toward their direction. "Come on," Karkat signaled John towards the building but instead of entering went around the side. He hopped up and grabbed onto the fence and pushed himself over. John looked around and then back to the waiting Karkat on the other side. Swallowing he pulled himself over. Karkat lead the two into the brush surrounding the school until they reached a hollow in the trees. The highway was just on the other side of the trees but no one would see them. They were really alone now. Karkat slowed his mind down; looking at his feet he listened to the roar of cars next to them. He saw John shiver; it was even colder here in the shade of the trees.

"John," Karkat started "I'm going to be out of here as soon as graduation rolls around, and I don't want anything to hold me back here anymore."

"I have plans like that too," John said looking away; he didn't say it in any sort of pleading way but instead as if he was just stating a simple fact.

"Then you get why, why it'd suck if it somehow turned out that we work together."

"I guess," John seemed to be just as miffed as he was disappointed.

"Good." Karkat tried to swallow but couldn't seem to do it.

"Is that really all it is?" John's teeth were completely hiding his bottom lip.

"Yeah, I mean why else would it be?"

"I don't know, maybe because I'm a total spaz and you'd never like someone like me."

"Man don't do that. It's not like that." Karkat felt his heart beat in his ears and he tried so hard not let the heat in his gut spread to his face.

"…So you do like me?"

"…Yeah…" John's face looked like his head had it spun around three times, but his aura was suddenly a lot lighter, Karkat on the other hand was now the one suppressing his own dark emotions.

"You like me?"

"Please don't make me say it again," Karkat leaned against a tree and sank down to the cold ground.

"Then can I kiss you again?"

"What? Did we not just have an hour long discussion why that was a bad idea?"

"I'm just talking about a kiss not marriage,"

"Oh my god, whatever!"

John was suddenly in front of Karkat on his hand and knees, but the blushing boy seemed to have used the last of his courage. Karkat really was an idiot. Fuck it.

Karkat pulled John's face against his as hard as he could.


	15. Sometimes I Want It

Sometimes I Hate It 15:

Sometimes I Want It

"Are you okay?" Karkat said raising a brow while standing over a puking John.

"Yeah, sorry I was really nervous and I've kind of been holding it in…"

"You are so lucky you didn't yak on me or else you'd really have a reason to be sorry," Karkat folded his arms. Only moments after Karkat kissed him, John pulled away to retch over a mossy log. Karkat pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Do you get this nervous after every person you kiss?"

"No, I just was so sure you were never going to talk to me again and I was pretty sure I could hold it in. Until you pulled me forward so suddenly," John's pale face flushed and Karkat watched as he removed a water bottle from his discarded bad and rinsed.

"You are not complaining after you asked me to kiss you and then barfed, because there is no way that is happening right now. You are just lucky I don't rub your nose in it."

"I'm sorry; I told you I get really anxious sometimes. I mean I really liked kissing you, but-,"

"I know you like it so much you showed me the inside of your intestines,"

"OH my god, I can't believe this is happening," John leaned his head on the log hiding in his arms. Karkat rolled his eyes and decided to take pity on thin boy.

"You're okay, c'mon get up," Karkat grasped John's upper arm and pulled John to his feet, he met eyes with the blue eyed boy who had an almost painfully pitiful face that was so close to his. Suddenly it was a lot harder being around the other boy. Karkat looked down to his dirt spattered jacket trying to even out his heart beats, his warm chest heaved deeply and he felt a sort of fuzzy static filling his face. Karkat felt the tickling air that filled the void between them, with the surrounding cold air that nipped at his neck magnified in comparison. He heard John say his name but only left the spellbound state when a above him there was a sudden and unexpected crack of lightening. Karkat muttered a brief 'come on' and lead the boys back to the fence surreptitiously watching for teachers; he used his naturally short stature to his advantage by only having to bend slightly rather than full on crouching like John had to. The shorter male signaled that the coast was clear and he and John scaled the fence and slipped into the neighboring door.

"We'll wait in here until next period, no sense in being this late," Karkat said pushing open the bathroom door and throwing his backpack mindlessly into an empty sink and going to lean against the wall. John slipped his pack similarly into a neighboring sink and laid back into the opposing wall having a look on his face that Karkat viewed as shamelessly inquisitive. Karkat felt his scowl returning from its long absence from his face and blew a breath of air upward into his scraggily mane to unblock his view.

John rubbed his arm and Karkat noticed his teeth slipping over his lip the way they did when he was deep in thought. The fact that Karkat noticed at all really rubbed him raw so instead he busied himself with washing the dirt off his hands that he suddenly couldn't stand any longer. He looked over to see John doing similar, and huffed "This isn't Simon Says idiot," to which John snickered before drying his hands.

The dreadful silence did not pass it festered and spewed tension into the room until it was so stiflingly uncomfortable that Karkat started to hum while tapping his foot. The humming, which sounded much more akin to a wild animal defending its territory, only served to somehow intensify the unspoken.

"Please say something," John groaned dramatically and Karkat resisted the urge to torture him mercilessly with more silence that felt strangely like retribution. "What?" Karkat prompted.

"Anything, I can't stand the suspense. It's driving me nuts," John sputtered ruffling his bangs with one hand.

"We talked about it," Karkat felt his arms tighten around his torso and he looked away defiant.

"But I don't know what any of that means, what exactly is happening here? What are we going to ignore everything or-," John's hands floundered and Karkat huffed trying to repress what he considered his stupid side. "Well that's up to you now isn't it?" Karkat said breathlessly.

"What?"

"Do we need to go over this again? Are you going to keep bringing this up, because if so I cannot see how this going pan out John? Now can you deal or not?" Karkat forgot the stinging in his eyes and the mantra of 'unfair' cycling in his mind long enough to look up at the other. What was possibly the most crushed and defeated soul he had ever laid eyes upon. The hurt so visibly cascaded down the boy's face that Karkat cringed and felt dizzy. The lanky boy didn't cry but somehow that seemed so much worse. Karkat choked silently and tried to prompt with his eyes that he was waiting on a reply.

John nodded so very softly. The bell rang he grabbed his things and left Karkat staring at the floor. He felt himself shake with anger and punched a soap dispenser off its hanging. His self-loathing had never been deeper and more deserved and he concentrated on the pain in his fist. He felt an unfriendly need to scream, laugh and sob against any surface he could see but instead he stood against the sink in silence until the next bell for class to begin rang. He left and ignored the teacher's inquiry on his lack of punctuality as he sat in his desk pressing his cheek hard into its unforgiving surface.

John didn't come to school the next day and he didn't go online. Karkat had a hollow feeling that ate him whole filling him with a quiet anger that he knew would most likely end with someone's face getting dented. He steeled himself for another empty day when to his surprise the source of his anguish sat awaiting him with an all too fake grin. He sat down and John immediately began gabbing as if nothing had happened. Karkat knew what was going on and he knew how much he didn't warrant John's company. John should have told him off and been done with him, the show of trying desperation; to retain their friendship if nothing else was harshly repulsive. Karkat couldn't decide whether the right thing to do would be to set him free or to accept the olive branch and reciprocate every fake smile as best he could. With the latter he at least felt he was suffering the way he should be. And he wasn't the only one who thought so.

He saw the look in the Lalonde girl's eyes and in Kanaya's too; except with the latter there were even worse elements residing too. Pity, understanding, her open hands on his shoulders so warm like always. He could never look at her without the damn radiant glow that shadowed her blinding him. "Do you want to talk about it?" Her green lips pursed and her brow bent coolly the only marring piece of an otherwise serene portrait. That too was because of Karkat.

"No," Karkat shook his head.

"Are you sure, it is not your fault. You handled it well for the choice you made," She cooed

"I fucked it up. I really fucked it up. How did this even happen? I never should have even spoken to him."

"It's not your fault Karkat, you said yourself you did not think you could handle a relationship with anyone. It wouldn't be fair or prudent for you to push yourself, to either of you."

"The plan was lay low. Don't get into anymore fights, go to school, get good grades, and get the fuck out of here and never see anyone's face ever again. I can't have anything holding me back not again," Karkat buried his head further into his arms but stared straight ahead between the smallest separations between the two limbs.

"It's not fair to deny yourself of normal human relationships. It's great that you're so motivated but honestly you'll only cripple yourself if you become so isolated." She paused perhaps to see if he was still listening to her. "You can be happy Karkat. If you want to be, you do deserve to be happy. Please don't deny yourself that right," her voice wavered a bit. Great, now he really was going to cry. They had had this conversation too many times, and when Karkat was in ways far more destitute.

"No, Kanaya. I don't need to take anyone down with me."

Karkat was unable to find any solace with his clown companion either, he ended up just vegetating watching Gamzee get high like he always did. They strolled around the sidewalks in the urban area and spaced out into nowhere.

While John had returned online and was leading his party, progressing much farther than he would have cared to admit to his dark competitive side, any supplementary interaction was noticeably awkward as well. The most painful of all was that everyone seemed to know what had happened between them and it was incredibly maddening for something so private to be the topic everyone was gabbing about. He couldn't decide what was worse those that would subtly try to comfort him (and fail horribly) or those that would openly jeer him (which he was sort of used to anyway). It was irritating to the point that he would only respond to party memos rather than private chats with anyone and resisting the urge weakly to never log on or speak to anyone again. He knew it would only be worse when he came crawling back covered in wallowing sludge after the barrage of worry that would be unleashed on him. Before he realized it three weeks had passed and he was still cringing at a sleepless and disheveled John, while still denying the urge to be unbelievably stupid.

He was glad when winter break rolled around, John was looking better after thanksgiving break and Karkat hoped the pattern would continue. He was planning to spend Christmas with Kanaya but she was having a party this year while her parents went to New York to visit family so he was really hoping Gamzee would rather chill at home than go. Every time she asked he said yes he was coming, but hoping otherwise. As the days grew closer to Christmas Eve he did go out and search for a gift anyway. He always hated shopping for others, he never knew what to get and spent forever walking around aimlessly like an idiot. He had just finally settled on a perfume he thought she make like in a green swirling vial. He always Gamzee soda and socks because he was always out of those and honestly would show more enthusiasm for those rather than anything expensive he could think of. On his way to the check out he spotted a blue scarf, he started flipping it back and forth in his hand before he realized why it had caught his attention. He suddenly started looking around as if he was going to be caught for something indecent. He whispered a damn it and pulled the fabric harshly from the rack.

Christmas Eve and Karkat was standing outside a large a beautiful home, a small green box in his hands. He had rung the doorbell and heard shuffling inside but he still knocked impatiently as his curses fogged the glass in the door.

"Karkat," She said warmly in a short red sweater dress and a precariously placed bow in her short black locks. He accepted her embrace and her kiss on his cheek and followed her into a brightly decorated den.

"Karkitty!" A short girl in a flash of rainbow colors was wrapped around his neck before he could brace himself and just as quickly she let go.

"Nepeta, I wasn't expecting you to drive all the way down here. What the fuck is wrong with your parents?"

"They let me come down because I'm going to be going to college here and wanted me to get used to the area, did you see all the shiny things Kanaya has in her huge house! Oh look I made cookies, I'll be right back," And the small woman rushed around the corner into the kitchen as Karkat settled himself down on the couch adjusting his jacket around his shoulders that it hung too loosely around. "So, who else is here?"

"Gamzee is on his way and Equius is in the kitchen with Terezi. She flew down with her mother this year again and is stopping by before visiting her cousins. Eridan couldn't make it. Oh and Rose is here." She paused, "and John," Karkat looked at her. "I'm sorry, but I knew you wouldn't come otherwise and I really want this to go well. Please stay Karkat," she frowned as he had moved to get up.

Before Karkat could affirm anything the room suddenly filled with people. It was obviously Rose, Kanaya was trying to impress because she had never allowed anyone to touch her parents wine before yet her were several people holding glasses of what was surely an expensive bottle. Without much warning he was whisked into making cookies and cutting foods into finger sized bits. Most of his came out burnt but that was only because Terezi had refused to get out of the way of the oven until he kissed her under the mistletoe. Predictably she licked the entirety of his cheek and cackled as he raged about spilling flour onto John. He had at first been incredibly alarmed by the unexpected crowd of people that he was sure would result in disaster; he was astounded by the amount of laughter that floated around the room. Maybe the wine had been a good idea, because there seemed to be no impediment in conversation and he was even able to laugh (yell) and speak with others as if the weeks of gloom had never happened. As the evening was winding down, Karkat was surprised by how fast the time had gone when people announced that soon they would be leaving. When he had opened Kanaya's gift to him of a nicely crafted necklace of a strange red sickle, he had noticed everyone had broken up into groups of whispering people. He had exchanged gifts with Gamzee when he remembered the lump in his pocket. He moved himself quietly to the coat rack and found the dark overcoat he was looking for and surreptitiously while pressing himself as far behind the alcove's wall as he could slipped the small wrapped bundle into its pocket. "What are you doing?" He sighed. Of course, what was he stupid?

"Here," he turned and shoved the bundle into thin boy's hand whose glasses tipped as he looked down so suddenly. "I should have known I wouldn't get anything done with you stalking me all night with your eyes. I thought they were going to dry up with how little you blink," Karkat couldn't muster up the energy to be upset or anger at himself for getting caught as he watched the pale fingers brush the outside of the package delicately. "What's wrong gotta fear of tape too?" He gruffed impatiently as the blushing boy looked up from his hands.

"I wasn't expecting you to do this," He whispered. His hand reached back into pocket and Karkat groaned hiding his face in his hands as the crinkling noise echoed in front of him.

"Thanks," Karkat said taking the gift in his hand. He let John unwrap his first and only nodded in response to the praise and gratitude of the wide puppy eyes that looked at the scarf as if it was a the first meal he had ever been given.

Karkat tired to ignore the impatient beating in his chest as he fingered open the wrapping and found a ring with long etchings around its surface that gave the effect of waves moving in two directions. "Sorry if it seems, uh you know. I just really thought you might like it," He looked away and Karkat rolled his eyes. "So I'm going to go now," He turned to go but stopped "Merry Christmas Karkat," he said smiling.

"Hey," Karkat said stepping forward signaling to John that he had something to say as he scowled. John moved forward looking nervous, he bent down as Karkat signaled that he didn't want anyone else to hear. "We're under the mistletoe." John looked up.

"No were not,"

"So," Before John could form a confused face Karkat pulled him down against his lips. When he finally let them part he whispered for John to follow him upstairs.

Happy Holidays everyone. Be safe. Thanks for all the love and reads. May all your Christmas dreams come true!


	16. Sometimes I Knew It

Sometimes I Hate It 16:

Sometimes I Knew It

John Egbert was a lithe thin boy with a pale complexion, dark messy hair, and baby blue eyes hidden behind thick black frames. He had high rounded cheeks and a slight overbite; he wore nerdy clothes and his jacket sleeves always managed to make their way down into his palms. He was cute. He was honestly really good looking in a nerdy-above-average-way. But what really got Karkat, what really pushed him over that edge was that fucking watery-eyed look of dejection. There was just something in that pathetic pitiful face that forgave all, that just made him want to consume the boy whole. His sickening need to coddle and ravish that had previously been firmly imprisoned behind a concrete thick wall of logic and sense was silly putty consistency now when confronted with that wispy voice.

The boy had got him a fucking Christmas present after he had smashed his heart into million loser pieces. This guy really was too fucking good. He should really never have gotten John anything either, look at the message he had sent. Yet as soon as he had seen the blue garb he knew who it rightfully belonged to.

Rounding the corner to a dustier part of the house was an empty guest room with a lone white bed in the corner; Karkat stepped aside gesturing for John to enter. God. The boy was practically shivering, his fist grasped tightly around his wrist like a fucking school girl. He stopped in the center of the room and turned to face Karkat just as he was shutting the door behind him. He wondered just how hard John's heart was beating to make his face so red. But the heat on his cheeks gave him an idea.

He moved for the bed hurriedly before his courage could wane completely. He felt his hand tap gently on the bed next to him and it was centuries before he heard it. Karkat lifted his hand to John's cheeks before sliding it gently behind his head fluidly as if for the thousandth time. He saw panic and questions behind those glass panes, but he wanted nothing more than to stir the feelings in his heart and gut until it bubbled over in his veins and ate through his skin.

"Karkat," John said but before another tremble could vibrate free he pressed his forehead against the boy to silence him with his eyes.

"You're not going to throw up again right?" Karkat said his voice like gravel.

"No," John wheezed with a notable hop.

"Good," Karkat kissed him. An unbelievably warm sensation in his chest interrupted the initial feeling of their meeting lips but it was in the most intoxicating way. He pushed a little harder as the first wave of heat rolled off his shoulders with any further delays in sensation and John's hands quickly replace it. He felt his lips pull and push at a medium pace but his whole body seemed so aware of how his clothes clung to him. There were brief moments he wanted to stop and just enjoy the way the warm anticipation and longing formed a cocktail of just 'so-good' tingles and an atmosphere around the two of them that was so thick it stuck to him like dew. It was like some form of respiration as he breathed in the peachy gingery smell and felt how hard John's fingertips were pushing into his shoulder blades.

Any previous fear of John's readiness or the nagging courtesy to take things at a first-timers pace was quickly dissipating as Karkat felt his hands slipping on John's waist and hips as their faces recycled lips and breathes inter-changeably. He could feel neediness in John's subtle 'ahs' and 'uhs' and they way his knees kept hinting as they nudged against his own. Finally Karkat gave in and allowed John to pull him forward over him. He paused in the haze to traverse with his eyes across the heated boy below him. He nuzzled his neck and bit sweetly at his ear and before his collar bone. There was something so cleansing with the way John's hands pulled him and the way his lips seemed to smile slightly when he pressed into them. But there was something absolutely filthy with how he could draw those noises from another being.

Karkat's hips had firmly found their new chafing home between Johns's own while his hands remained nomadic. He had firmly marked John's collarbones as his own but he wasn't quite ready to do the same elsewhere. Not that John wasn't making that completely difficult by being about as silent as lawn mower in a library. The volume wasn't as much of problem as the content was, Karkat managed to silence him with his mouth before he could get the full Kar- out but it was still a rush just to hear a slight utterance of that first syllable. He really couldn't remember being so out of breath in his life, but he couldn't really recall anything at the moment. Besides the pressure John was exerting on his lower portions with his hips. That was clear as day. He was really starting to hate whoever created denim it really wasn't comfortable or useful in these situations. He felt John push against his shoulders for moment and had to search for his brain to remember how to let go. He let his face hover above John's and felt his ears redden from the contiguity of their breath and skin.

"Karkat," John was a bit breathy but his hands remained firm with the purpose of keeping the moment chaste. That didn't stop Karkat's heart from racing, "I love you," He shut his eyes harshly "I really do, and I mean I really think about you all the time. I want to keep our friendship, but it's hard. It's really hard Karkat, and I feel really dumb all the time," Karkat saw John's face burn and water pool in the creases of his eyes. "I never felt like this and I think it's because of you and your stupid movies that I can't even stand! I just- even if you don't, I don't want to lose you. But being around you makes me sick sometimes. I feel really lonely and then I feel so guilty and-," John's hands curled into his face. Karkat pulled away and sat with the heavy heat in his lap. He felt John stir, but didn't face him, his eyes could only see his hands. He felt the anger in his snarl, he held his breath but eventually his lungs released his worse fear. He chocked a little and felt John's weight shift swiftly. The tears threatened but stayed at attention, but his breath ragged and the pressure that forever made his stomach burn returned.

"Kar! Karkat I'm sorry," John rushed but his hands just hovered helplessly. Karkat felt a drip of disdain flow down his throat. He felt his hands dig into his head as he fell back onto the bed. "Idiot," Karkat sputtered. "I just want-," Karkat let his hands fall and he stared upward. "Come to my house, I want to show you something," John blinked at the request but nodded.

"I want you to understand," Karkat looked away again, "And then- and then I don't know."


	17. Sometimes the Skeletons Dance

**Hey so I made an account on Archive of Our Own and I am slowly uploading, Sometimes I Hate It there with art. You can also follow me on Tumblr for bonus art at Smotheringpilliows. Not to mention I edited the grammar and mistakes out. **

Sometimes I Hate It 17:

Sometimes the Skeletons Dance

It was cold and flurries were touching the ground with no hurry, floating graciously to their fate under the kindness of a porch light. The remaining scenery was dark, save for the distant glow of a corner streetlamp and the fleeting headlights of all the cars that were not the car he was waiting for. Heaving a visible and pressing breath, John checked the hour on his phone that told him that fifteen minutes had passed. Though the whole of his body begged him to retreat into his home, with the door not but two feet away, he remained loyally, where Karkat requested him to be in the chance he would not recognize the house in this later hour. So there he wait on the tip of his toes and with the crane of his neck for the last opportunity of what he was so acutely aware was his eroding chance at happiness with his first love. Humming the song that he always hummed when he was waiting for Karkat, John fiddled with his new favorite accessory contently, his soft blue scarf that Karkat had given him. The novelty smell hadn't worn off and though he desperately wished it to be so, it did not have Karkat's scent even though it had previously been in his possession. John sighed and berated himself for his stalkerish thoughts.

Finally before John realized it the headlights of the familiar red car pulled into his driveway behind his father's. John kept himself from skipping down the steps just as Karkat stepped out to meet him. They stood in silence for a moment, and John studied the beautiful person before him and felt his stomach curl in the special way it had learned to do from the moment he knew Karkat was aware of his infatuation. Karkat leaned against the car and his face made John pause in the way it hosted a strange look, a hybrid of sorrow and serene.

"So, I want you to understand that I'm not some heartless bastard who just wants jerk you around, but you need to understand what is going on here. Now before we go anywhere I want you to promise to keep all your judgments and opinions to yourself because I'm not interested. Got it?" Karkat pointed and held it until John nodded blinking in his mysticism at the clearly rehearsed demand. He tried not giggle when Karkat got his door, knowing full well he'd be kicked out on the spot.

"I didn't know you had a license," John said suddenly nervous having such a volatile driver behind the wheel. He clinched his seat belt when Karkat smirked.

"I don't, that a problem?"

"UH YEAH. We are so going to get arrested!"

"Relax; I'll push you out if I get pulled over." Karkat laughed and John grimaced.

"Where are we even going?"

"Where I live." John didn't bother commenting on how weird that sounded and before he realized it they were pulling up to an old apartment complex on the poorer side of the neighborhood. He followed silently as Karkat lead them up three flights of stairs and down a flickering hall. Before he had time to reflect on the chill in his spine over how perfect a setting this was for a horror movie, he felt a flutter of excitement at the idea of seeing Karkat's room. The learning more about Karkat was enough to occupy his thoughts until they came to halt in front of a beige(?) colored door and he bumped lightly into his companion who had a very stern face.

"This is it." Karkat seemed to evaluate something in John before turning and unlocking the door, using his shoulder to push the heavy door open. A very sparse room with a desk and laptop sat propped in the corner appeared before John. He could see the connected grimy kitchen with a ugly green colored fridge and weird owl wallpaper that peeled around the corners. To his left he could see a shut door which he assumed was the bathroom and right next to it a room that was clearly Karkat's bedroom. John followed Karkat into the room and that clearly ran with the theme of red and gray. There was a nightstand, a bed, and a bookshelf with assorted forms of media and collectables. John smiled musing at all the knickknacks and Karkat paraphernalia, but stopped when he saw Karkat's snarl building.

"Do you live here alone?" John asked.

"Yeah," Karkat sat on the bed and put his hands behind his neck pulling himself into a ball where John couldn't see his face. John had a million questions and a million more itches in his nerves that made him not want to ask but he had to know why Karkat brought him here.

"My brother pays for me to live here, tch, I mean he just uses the money the government give him really. The bastard." Karkat spoke suddenly responding to John's questioning face.

"He doesn't live here?" John thought back to the car outside that he had seen pick Karkat up when he had visited him, and remembered the reaction when he had first asked Karkat about his family in the hospital.

"No. After I turned fifteen I told him I never wanted to see his stupid face again. Not like he had many objections, he's always been too good for me, he's only ever saw me as the thing holding him back." Karkat sighed and leaned forward onto his knees looking straight ahead while resting his chin on his clasped hands. "My parents died when I was seven. My father died of cancer and my mom ate herself to death after he went. Kankri was only sixteen then so we both went into foster care where we got spilt up. I got moved around a lot, either because the people I was with fucked up or because I did. After all who wants an angry brat who got into a fist fight every other day? Eventually Kankri turned twenty and he actually showed up looking for me after all those years, he actually said he wanted to be a family again. He was still a college kid but the fucking yuppie was going places, he was still a golden child. The family he got stuck with kept and spoiled him fucking rotten, gave him a future outside of being fuckup. He took me home and introduced me to all the fucking smiling saps and introduced me to his fiancé. It's pretty clear now that I was all her idea. Thought it'd bring closer together probably. After awhile it became crystal-sparkling-fucking-bleached-burns clear that Kankri only saw me as an obligation. At first he was all smiles and cheers taking in his poor, troubled orphan brother, but it's just not in him. He couldn't feign interest long enough. Eventually even though I was living with him, he'd forget I was even there. When I was he would pay me to go off somewhere else. Whenever he did talk to me he'd always try to change me and talk about how he used "our" past as an inspiration not a setback. This fucker dared to look down on me whenever I messed up after abandoning me without a word for four years. It got to the point where we'd just fight whenever we saw each other, and then we just started ignoring the other's presence altogether. Then he started getting into politics, said he wanted to run for office. That meant that for me it was either stay in my room for hours or stay out so he could entertain. Some nights I'd come back and he'd lock me out. One night I came back and the door was locked when I specifically told him I needed to study for a test or some bullshit and not to lock me out because I needed to get in. So I bang on the door and call and he just ignores it, I know he can hear me and I can see people looking outside so I fucking lose it and chuck a brick through the window. Next day he starts asking me if I wouldn't be happier with a foster family or someone who can "give me the help I need". I fucking punched him in the face and he nearly pissed himself as I let into him about all his bullshit. I told him to give me my own place later that night and that I never wanted to see him again. He tries to come by every now and again asking why I won't try to connect with him, acting completely ignorant of everything he ever did. Sometimes I tell him I need something, or money and he'll do it and act like he's a fucking saint, like he doesn't shit like the rest of us. Next year I'll finally be out of here though. I'll be far away where he won't have to bother pretending anymore, I'll never have to look at his shitty face on every billboard or bus seat in town. I'll be in a different state and no one will ever mention his name to me again." Karkat turned, anger and misery cleansed with determination as he stared at John. "That's why I can't have anything to hold me back, to remind me of everything I've worked so hard to leave behind. I can't do it John. I just can't," John sat for a moment letting it all wash over him. He was so struck by the weight of it all, how magnificently sad it was. You always hear the stories on television or from a friend of friend but it was the first time John was face to face with true adversity and suffering. Most of all he was stunned by how good Karkat was. He could have easily been far more corrupted and broken than he was, maybe it was just all the resentment and hate holding him together. John's hand rested unconsciously on the other boys hand as he held back the anger and pity he felt growing inside him, he knew it would only anger Karkat for him to say it but there was a fire burning inside him that he wished upon the universe that and been so cruel to the person he held so dear. A very hallow bitterness wrapped his tongue and skin like a blanket and he suddenly felt a new determination himself.

"I don't care." John said petulantly. "I can't let you do this alone Karkat, I can't believe all that happened to you. All of that and you are still so amazing, I can't let you suffer like this anymore. Even if you never love me, please let me shield you from any burden, let me keep you away from sadness" Karkat looked flabbergasted and his face fluctuated between tearing up and just trying to catch his breath in bewilderment. John suddenly felt embarrassed from his own display of such dramatic and weighted words. "Karkat if you leave, I'll go with you. So please, if- if you like me even a little don't turn me away." John thrust himself forward and kissed the stunned boy quickly pulling away and waited as the form in front of him hyperventilated.

John watched his heart beating in his ears as Karkat excused himself to the bathroom stammering. He collapsed backwards onto the mattress reeling at his own display and already feeling the nagging voice that told him he was stupid and the only thing he was good at was driving any chance with Karkat e got straight off a cliff. Yet he couldn't find the will to be regretful, he meant what he had said. He'd always wanted to travel and he could always come to visit his family alone or even better they could come to him. He would follow Karkat wherever, even thought he knew it was stupid and immature and a well known folly of many a lovesick girl to follow an uncertain relationship against any more sensible judgments. While his eyes began to glaze over he realized fifteen minutes must have passed and he was beginning to get anxious. John sat up and made his way to the door when suddenly it swung open just as he approached the handle.

"Fuck it! You win I'll go out with you!" Karkat shouted looking at the place John had been previously but quickly realized the space was vacant. John clutched his face while blood spurted out into his hands. "OH GOD!" Karkat leaned down trying to get John let him see but is blue eyes watered and he wobbled with dizziness. He seemed to smile as blood leaked into his mouth.

"That's great!" John said, or what sounded like a stopped upped version of that. "I think I need to go to the hospital."


	18. Sometimes it's Completely Different

Sometimes I Hate It 18:

Sometimes it's Completely Different

Karkat leaned against the side of the white, somewhat peeling, door. Kicking his foot in time with his heart beating, he heard ruffling inside, praying that it would John to exit the door and not his father. He still wasn't sure on the protocol of how to apologize for breaking his son's nose, even if he had been assured it was fine, he really wasn't up to dealing with authority figures. Especially with the guilt-inducing visuals he was about to see.

He hadn't really figured out what to say or how he should act, but he did have a small pouch sitting heavily in his pocket and the chilly air seemed to take the empty thoughts out from inside him and release the vapor into fading sighs.

"Hey…" Karkat jumped as the sudden presence interrupted his reverie of nothings, and he fought the unexpected flush he felt warm his face as tingles ran down his neck.

"Don't do that, jeez" Karkat relaxed his tense shoulders only to a degree but felt his face scrunch up in skepticism.

"It's not that bad I swear!" John said hiking the already high scarf higher onto his hidden face.

"Yeah, you said that a million times, but I don't think denial is going to bend those bones back into place, let me see." Karkat could visibly see defeat fall off of John's shoulder in a roll as he reached up prepared and unveiled a ghastly sight. His already pale skin seemed paler with a heavy gauntness from the deep, purple bruising around his eyes and nose. The large bandage and tape covered John's face and dwarfed his large black frames that sat precariously atop, already threating to slip with the slightest jerk. "Jesus it looks like I took a cinder block to your face!" Karkat flew down into a squat, pulling his hair between his fingers under the full weight of his shame. John swiftly followed moving to put his hand onto Karkat's shoulder with his glasses sliding off to the end of his plastered nose.

"It's not that bad in a few weeks it may look even better than before! They say there will hardly be a scar!"

"OHHHH! Shit, I'm so sorry" Karkat felt his hand dig into his pocket and without looking up he thrust his bundle toward John, the crinkling surprisingly loud to his ears.

"What's this?" John said taking it while leaning back on his knees. "I really don't want you to feel bad, it's really ok!" Karkat just sighed further already exhausted. "Oh wow! Thank you!" Karkat peeked through his hand at the goofy pained smile of John holding up a dangling chain of silver with gold heart at the end.

"We can replace the charm it was all I could get at the general store at twelve at night that wasn't condoms or off-brand spaghetti-o. I kind of have something in mind anyway, if you are still somehow even talking to me which I can't see why you are still persistent on doing after I already turned your face into a retard panda."

"Karkat did you mean what you said," John said suddenly serious the necklace lying across his lap and his skinny hand behind his head while the other adjusted his glasses crookedly across his face.

"Yeah, I wouldn't have said so otherwise," Karkat said gently lifting his hands to adjust John's lenses. "If you still want- whatever then I do too.. I guess" Karkat sighed feeling awkward, guilty, and all kinds of in-between. The small smile on John's face did make him feel better though.

Karkat had decided it was impossible for him and John to kiss until his nose was healed, his conscious and John's clumsiness wouldn't allow it. John reluctantly agreed not really feeling that appealing with what Karkat referred to as most of the great white north patched across his face. Still over the next few days Karkat found himself in a weird whirlwind of sexual tension and warm feelings of sweetness that manifested itself as holding John's hand anytime it wasn't occupied with something. It was strangely addicting to constantly want to hang onto John every second they were alone. He felt embarrassed at first but it was becoming instinctual to drape himself across John's shoulders and hug him. Kanaya mentioned it being something to do with being repressed or abandonment issues but Karkat really didn't care as long as John kept doing that weird giggle he did whenever he touched him. He was even willing to put up with the four-eyes teasing and surprise as long as he could smell the others hair.

Toward the end of the first week Karkat could tell John was getting antsy and would often run his finger across his lips in thought when he thought Karkat wasn't looking. But he was always looking. He was always, thinking and dreaming about John and even though he was driving himself mad he knew it was because he was putting everything into John. He had said no for so long, he had been so alone for so so long. That all his trust and hope was riding on this one person and it was frightening and exhilarating. And then just as school was about to start up, John mentioned him.

"It's only for a few days, they were supposed to be here New Year's but the plane got delayed." Karkat twitched; Dave and Jade were coming to visit with their families. This meant John would be missing a few days of school to entertain them. This also meant shades-mc-douchebag would be here to spread holiday cheer. Yay.

John still hadn't really made up with him even though he and Karkat had gotten together because of his freak out, or whatever had happened as Karkat still didn't quite understand what had happened that week.

"I said it's fine for the millionth time. You got family stuff and I'll be here with the pie-eating-asshole while you make out with Slim Shady."

"Karkat!"

"What!"

"You can't say things like that and tell me you aren't mad! I'm sorry about this but I'm going to see you in a few days! I can't tell if you are being difficult because you're jealous or because you can't hang onto me every ten seconds!"

"I WOULD NEVER BE JELOUS OF HIM!"

"THEN CHILL OUT!"

"FINE!"

"FINE!"

Karkat sulked until he took John home, upon arriving back at his place he immediately apologized for being an asshole to which predictably John ignored for thirty or more so texts of groveling until he was satisfied. Afterwards ensued a sickeningly sweet text war of reassurances.

"Are you okay bro?" Gamzee inquired lazily as he watched Karkat pace back forth.

"I just wish he'd come over real quick. Or text me back more than once every three hours. I just want to know what's going on!"

"A pal is always a bro as long as he's always pal."

"What in the blithering writhing crust infected fuck are you talking about now?"

"John bro is always gonna be pals with the shades bro because that's what being bros is. If they aint be pals all this time then nothing's going to stop them from up and being bro fisting all over again. Just like you and me is right now."

"I have no idea what you just said but I don't know if I like it," Karkat sighed and crawled next to Gamzee begrudgingly returned his fist bump with an eye roll.

"Well?" Karkat tapped his foot and hung tensely in the doorframe of his bedroom his phone glued to his ear.

"Well it was weird. At first." Karkat pinched the bridge of his nose. "We didn't talk much at first and then Jade and Rose yelled at us and locked us in the bathroom"

"WHAT!"

"And it sucked because I really did have to pee and couldn't go because that would be weird. And also I figured you would get mad."

"Yeah no shit"

"Anyway he said he was sorry, which was awkward because I didn't hear him at first. Then he told me about how he freaked out because he somehow thought I was keeping being gay from him and that I was somehow replacing him or some psycho-babble Rose told him. Which is silly because I'm dating you and Dave's my friend. Which are two completely different things. Anyway he was mad so he told Terezi because he knew she would tell you. I really don't know, but he said he was sorry. And then we started laughing about movies and I almost peed myself, because Rose and Jade were ignoring us. And I guess we're friends again which actually really makes me happy…So I hope you won't be mad when I introduce you two again."

"You sneaky shit is that really how you're going to ask me to talk to 50 less cent?"

"Oh come on, he wants to say sorry to you too!"

"Ugh it was better when I thought you were messing around!"

"Well this is your punishment for being weird! We're coming over tomorrow."

"Why here?! I don't want him to know where I live!"

"Because crab cakes you like to shout and your neighbors are far more used to it than mine, much less my dad." John laughed before adding, "I bet you get along fine, you are more alike than you think."

"Tch sure, like hell," Karkat scoffed sliding down onto the floor in defeat.

"Hey don't be so cocky, I won our last bet,"


	19. Somtimes I Forget About Then

Sometimes I Hate It 19:

Sometimes I Forget About Then

John had to admit he was starting to get nervous. Dave was slouching against his Dad's car, fiddling on his phone, the only tell to any bit anxiety the blonde had was that his thumb was rubbing the outside of his front pocket. They had gotten up without any awkwardness and they had up until a few moments ago been chatting without a spare breath between them. Now they waited for Karkat to pick them up in the car he seemed to be borrowing more and more frequently. John was wondering just how malleable the relationship between Karkat and his brother was.

John sighed as silently as he could as he recalled the day's previous conversation. He was amazed at the turn around but somehow content with knowing the true strength of his friendship with Dave. He had been so caught up with dealing with his feelings with Karkat that he had really belittled one of his most important relationships. He couldn't help but feel guilty.

_"YOU TWO AREN'T COMING OUT UTIL YOU STOP ACTING LIKE CHILDERN!" Jade screamed_ _pulling the door shut with a slam before the two boys could untangle themselves from each other and the shower curtain._

_"THIS REALLY ISN'T COOL!" Dave said as he tried to move out from under John's legs._

_"HEY COME ON! I HAVE TO PEE! I CAN'T GO LIKE THIS!" John shouted pushing Dave in the face as leverage. He pushed on the door knob as hard as he could but it's refusal to turn was a clear indicator that a chair with possibly the entire weight of two teen girls was keeping it statue still. He banged on the door once more as Dave came up beside him to try pushing the door open as well. "MY KIDNEY'S ARE GONNA FAIL ASSHOLES! LET ME OUT! YOU ARE GONNA BE SORRY WHEN I DIE!" John screamed but no reply came._

_"Give up dude, you know them," Dave said slumping against the door and then just as smoothly getting up to sit on the sink. "Just give it five minutes and they'll let us out for dinner." John stared as he watched Dave's hand twitch toward his pocket obviously searching for his missing half, his phone. Sighing he sat down on the edge of the tub crossing his legs and trying to think of anything else besides water; a task made more difficult by the dripping faucet. _

_Ten minutes later…_

_"Okay Rose, Harley, this has been a blast and I've seen John's dick like five times now, hell we crossed streams, so you can let us out now" Dave said looking somewhat silly while talking to an unmoving white door._

_"Yep everything is unbelievable cool here!"_

_"Dude shut up, I got this."_

_"What? I'm just helping, it's more believable if we both are agreeing and acting along!"_

_"Dude you are the worst actor ever, nothing you can say can make this go by any faster, trust me."_

_"Like anyone would ever take you seriously anyway! They'll at least believe me!"_

_"Why because you're 'the perfect, lovable Egbert and you'd never say anything to mislead a friend! Because that's not anything like what your lame homo-movie-crush heroes would do!'" Dave said with his voice lowering a decibel along with his sinking brow. He quickly turned his face back to the door._

_"No! It's because I'm not an insecure tool in sunglasses who can't keep his mouth from blathering all the important stuff about someone who is supposed to be his best friend! John's fist immediately thrust into fists at his sides._

_"Really dude? You are going to mention the sunglasses you gave me? What you pick that from Karkat too, going around calling everyone a tool just because you're jealous?" Dave said spinning to face John._

_"Are you serious? You are calling me jealous! The second you learned about Karkat you tried to sabotage my chances with him by telling Terezi!"_

_"Well maybe if my best fucking friend had told me he was about to ditch me for some fucking piece of shit who wouldn't know a good day if it fucked him and made him breakfast in bed at the same time!"_

_"Don't talk about Karkat that way! This is exactly why I didn't tell you! I knew you would freak out and get paranoid!"_

_"Well thanks for trusting me I guess you were right! Are you happy?!"_

_"NO! BECAUSE MY BEST FRIEND TRIED TO FUCK ME OVER, ISN'T THE LEAST BIT SORRY AND ISN'T TALKING TO ME AT TIMES WHERE I REALLY COULD FUCKING USE HIM! DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT WAS TRYING TO DEAL WITH ALL THIS? I NEEDED YOU! I HAD NO IDEA HOW TO TELL MY DAD! I HAD NO IDEA HOW TO SAY IT TO MYSELF IN THE MIRROR! I HAD NO IDEA HOW TO DEAL WITH LOSING YOU AND KARKAT ALL AT ONCE!"_

_"I WOULD HAVE PROABLY FUCKING KNOWN IF YOU HAD SAID A FUCKING WORD TO ME! BUT YOU JUST KEPT ME IN DARK ABOUT EVERYTHING AND I FIND OUT ONCE AGAIN, THAT HARLEY AND ROSE KNOW WAY BEFORE ME AND EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT ALL THIS IMPORTANT STUFF WHILE TIPTOING AROUND ME LIKE I'M A FUCKING TIME BOMB! YOU DIDN'T EVEN TRUST ME ENOUGH TO TELL ME THAT YOU __MIGHT __BE GAY! AND THEN I FIND OUT YOU ARE MAD CRUSHING ON THIS GUY WHO SEEMS TO TREAT YOU LIKE TOTAL SHIT! I MEAN GODDAMNIT JOHN I'M HUNDEREDS OF MILES AWAY AND YOU ARE SUDDENLY NOT TALKING TO ME AND IGNORING ME AND AVOIDING MY QUESTIONS WHAT AM SUPPOSED TO DO?!"_

_"GROW UP! NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU! I DIDN'T TELL YOU BECAUSE I CARED ABOUT YOUR OPINION THE MOST! I DIDN'T WANT TO LOSE YOUR RESPECT AND THEN I LOST YOU COMPLETELY!" John was red in the face and he could see Dave's cheeks and ears an even darker shade that his light skin betrayed, he shook but found himself out of breath from saying anything more. He found his face very sore from his nose being scrunched up but it was hard to completely release enough of the angry to let it relax. _

_"I WANT TO HIT YOU SO MUCH! YOU ARE SO CLUELESS" Dave drew back his fist only to slam it hard in his hand. "IT'S SO FRUSTRATING AND IRONIC IN ALL THE WORST WAYS! I AM REALLY COMPLETELY STUMPED AT HOW CLUELESS YOU ARE! I WAS ALWAYS –I MEAN UGH- HOW DID YOU not.."_

_"WHAT?! WHAT AM I SO STUPID TO SEE ABOUT THE GUY WHO HIDES HIS FACE 99% OF TIME AND SPEAKS IN COMPLETE RIDDLES?!"_

_"I WAS SORT OF INTO YOU AS KIDS DUDE! I WAS ALWAYS FLIRTING WITH YOU AND IT WAS SO OBIVIOUS I WAS CONFUSED BUT YOU ARE JUST SO THICK-HEADED! NO YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU KNEW! YOU JUST WERE SO INSECURE YOU PRETENDED YOU DIDN'T NOTICE!" John stepped back his mouth falling open as he tried not to feel like he had been socked in face. Or strangely reminded of Karkat._

_"You…what?"_

_"C'mon you knew it dude. That's why you would always clarify and say you weren't gay even at the lightest teasing. Don't get me wrong I'm not into you now. It's just I didn't know what to think back then I didn't feel safe enough to think about that stuff with anyone else..but then you ughhhhhh!" Dave sat on the toilet taking his shades off and rubbing his eyes with his fist._

_"I just…I.."_

_For about thirty minutes they sat in a very tense quiet and John tried to hold back crying while he thought back and wondered how everything got so complicated from two kids just dissing each other on the internet. _

_"You were such a ladies man though, and you seemed like the guy all the girl's wanted.."_

_"Dude I don't get nearly as much girls as you think I did…I would just say stuff like that to bullshit around and you were so turned off from the idea of anything else."_

_"Because I clearly couldn't deal and all you guys were labeling things that never used to have labels or strings attached and I didn't even like dating or romance. I don't know maybe I saw but you were so unobtainable and Rose was always pushing back then."_

_"Yeah but then you were suddenly mad in love with dong and talking about it with everyone else except the one friend of yours with one."_

_"Well I didn't think of you that way, like I said you've always be the LADIES man. It's the shades man, they just say chicks dig me or some cliché 70's slang you can think of Stiller saying that meant you got all the ladies."_

_"Again you got me these, and I mostly am about the chicks but do you really think that I'm THAT close-minded a guy after all this time or has he completely warped your mind?"_

_"No, I just, I don't know got used to knowing and doing stuff a different way. And I was just so unsure and I didn't want you to fight with Karkat or hate me. I mean it was obvious he wasn't exactly your favorite person. UGH Can we just say were sorry and assholes or whatever and quit repeating shit we already know?"_

_"Yeah I just about used my entire supply of being a pissed off ass-face, I think next time I try to be mad I'll probably just shit my pants in confusion and go into a coma." John chuckled before sighing while fighting a large relief grin forming on his face as all the hidden tension begin to ease away._

_"Does that mean we're both sorry and not going to get all weird and locked in a bathroom together for two and a half hours? Because I really don't think my bladder could take it!"_

_"Yeah, it's cool. I really don't think I want to see you wet yourself, let's just jump out the window and try to break the fall with the rest of our pride."_

_"So you mean we are gonna plummet two stories and break something?"_

_"Pretty much," Dave smirked and the two of them burst into laughter. _

Soon the two were released and after John relieved himself they spent the rest of the evening catching up and laughing. Eventually John got Dave to agree that it might be at least tolerable to share the same residential structure with Karkat and not die of a prolapsed anus. So now they stood waiting while the snow dripped into puddles of slush at their feet until the familiar red car caused John to tense while fighting a smile at the same time.


	20. Sometimes I Underestimate

Sometimes I Hate It 20:

Sometimes I Underestimate

Ten minutes in the car and no one had said a thing and in another ten they would arrive at Karkat's without saying anything at all, possibly winning the award for most awkward car ride ever. Karkat fidgeted pulling up to a stop sign letting his eyes wander to the passenger in the back whose dark shades were pointed at the back of his head, unmoving the blonde then stuck out his tongue revealing a piercing. Karkat rolled his eyes and pulled away while ignoring his itching middle finger.

In a flash the trio was entering the apartment complex, Karkat led the way while occasionally turning around to watch the two sheltered teens gawk at the walls and noises. They finally entered the apartment and Karkat who paused grinding his teeth long enough to ask, "Do you want anything to drink?" for lack of anything nicer to say.

"Okay can we not do this?" Dave said eyebrows twitching from wanting to knit, while also raising his hands to try to pause the moment. John immediately looked nervous and Karkat clenched his hands. "Like be all awkward and fake nice and shit. I've already got girly and feely with Egbert on this trip and I'd rather not have to go through that again." Dave moved over and swung his arm around John. "We both love this little twerp, and Rose will never let me live this down if I screw up again. Look as long as I get some best bro time in I'll stop being a whiney jealous tween girl pissing herself every time bff Becky has a date with Chad. I mean don't get me wrong Chad's one sick dude but he's not that great. Look K-man I get it, but trust me I got over thinking about Egbert that way a long time ago, look," And Dave pulled John into a kiss before swinging the stunned boy back to his side. "Look boner-free, you all good down there Egbert? Yep. See nothing to worry about."

"…..shaisdhdiohdfohdsoifhohdohaefhofhorfhofihofhoh ofhoadhodfhfohr!" Karkat said.

"Uh, um what?" John said looking back and forth helplessly.

"We all good? Okay if you have any AJ I'm down. Can I sit on your chair?" Dave said before plopping down on old brown thing.

"I'll-fuck John help me in the kitchen." Karkat said tugging along a tranquilized John by the shirt front. In the kitchen Karkat started stomping back and forth and fussing his hair in his hands roughly. "Well I guess there's nothing to be angry about now is there?! Nope it's fixed now, because everyone's throwing all logic and sense out the window and touching whoever they want. Fuck if I had known it was going to be this easy I'd have just presented myself on a fucking platter with lemonade and finger foods!"

"Um Karkat, it might not seem like it but Dave is really trying…"

"Yeah! THAT WAS ALL PURELY AN OLIVE BRANCH PRESENTED WITH GOLD TRIMMINGS FILLED WITH CENTURIES OLD DIPLOMATIC CUSTOMS WOVEN BY THE MOST TRUSTED AND WISE EMISSARIES TO CRAFT THE BIGGEST I-PROMISE-NOT-TO-FUCK-YOUR-BOYFRIEND-TOO-HARD-TREA TY. I HAVE NO OTHER REASON TO BE UPSET AND TO COMPLETELY TRUST THE HONEST TO SHADES COOL-DOUCHE BECAUSE I MEAN FUCK LOOK AT HIM HE IS JUST TOO COOL NOT LISTEN AND WORSHIP HIS EVERY WORD AS DOCTRINE!"

"I know right!" Dave shouted from the chair.

"SHUT UP! I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU RIGHT NOW."

"Yeah this clearly doesn't concern me and these walls are too thick for me not to pretend I can see you three feet away having a heart attack. My cool-douche senses were just going off, saying that some mad reaffirming of some sick wisdom was needed and I came to the call. Don't mind me though. I can see when I'm not needed, let me know if some orphans need some schooling on how make being bow-legged and poor look fly as fuck."

"OH MY GODS! I REALLY CAN'T TELL IF YOU ARE INTENTIONALLY BEING RETARDED OR NOT! CAN WE JUST PRETEND YOU AREN'T A COMPLETE DICK AND GET THROUGH ONE EVENING OF NOT BEING INFURIATINGLY AMAZING AT BEING ANNOYED ASSHOLES AT EACH OTHER. SO THAT I'M NOT BEING INCITED INTO A BLIND RAGE OVER EVERY NON-SENSICAL THING YOU FEEL THE NEED TO PUSH THROUGH YOUR ADHD TALK BLASTER?"

"Yeah dude, I'm mad for that happening. Hell, that's all I've been saying since I came through the door, bringing nothing but peace and puppies into this bitch. All intents and purposes have been geared toward having a good time and chilling the fuck out." Dave said his arms behind his head while he tipped back and forth.

Karkat slid against the wall banging his head against the floor cabinets, while John helplessly watched the disaster unfold. "How come I can understand fucking Gamzee but this, this PERSON? Comes in here and I feel like I'm working retail at lower than minimum wage while my scrotum drags across the sawdust covered floor?! I just do not understand." John stayed quiet crossing his arms in thought while he tried to work out why he thought this was good idea, when he heard the slightest snicker from the living area.

"Okay! Everyone up to the bedroom! Karkat c'mon we are going to take drastic measures."

"I like where this is going," Dave said standing. John dragged Karkat by his legs as he dead-weighted while simultaneously giving the finger with both hands. John pulled him around right into the bedroom and climbed on the bed with Dave Ninja jumping up behind him. Once Karkat finally sighed and got up and crawled onto the bed careful to kick John and Dave each on his way up, John put his hands together. "I thought this might happen so I wanted to make sure I had a plan b."

John stuck his hand down the side of the mattress while Karkat crinkled his face as the four-eyed boys revealed a remote that had been duck-tapped to the side of the wall. "How the hell?" But John shushed him and clicked a button at Karkat's laptop that John had set up on the nightstand. A second button and the screen switched and groans were heard across room.


End file.
